`Sure I know all about sex, but what about relationships?'

When I work with children, I always ask them to respect what we talk about. In primary schools, I explain that younger children may not be ready to learn what I will be teaching and might be upset if they get information before they are ready. This makes them feel very grown up.

They are particularly good at respecting the confidentiality we agree on - occasionally almost too much so. I remember a principal suggesting one year that I omit mentioning confidentiality to his students. When I queried his reasons, he explained that the previous year, when the boys went home and were asked how they got on, they replied: "We promised Mrs Wynne we wouldn't talk about what we learned" - and refused to enlighten their parents.

This reminds me of another student I had recently. His brother was in fifth class and was naturally curious about what went on in sixth class during Relationship and Sexuality Education. As soon as they got home from school he begged and cajoled, but the older boy refused to breach the confidentiality agreement we made. Eventually the younger boy went to his mother to complain. She was very understanding and assured him that the older boy had probably learned nothing he did not know. She had previously explained to him about the facts of life and the bodily changes that happen during puberty.

"I know all about the sex, Mum," he told her. "It's just that you never taught me anything about relationships."

Clearly, parents are the primary educators and play a fundamental role in helping girls and boys acquire and sustain the skills necessary for effective relating. Unfortunately some parents are lacking in these skills and they cannot give to their children what they do not have for themselves. One very positive effect of relationship education is it has the potential to teach young people skills to prevent them repeating the mistakes of their parents.

We are foolish, if not irresponsible, if we deny that some parents relate in dysfunctional ways and these patterns of behaviour are passed on in the family. For example, many aggressive adolescent boys have parents who deal with anger in inappropriate ways.

An angry father may feel that he has a legitimate reason for being angry when his dinner is not ready on time. He may express his anger inappropriately by thumping the table and being verbally abusive. It is all too easy for a young person who observes this kind of behaviour to learn to express anger in a similarly abusive fashion. We know that children are powerfully influenced by the behaviour modelled by their parents. When they see anger expressed in healthier ways, they learn how and when it is appropriate to express anger.

For example, a parent might say: "I feel angry when you leave your football gear lying around and I expect you to tidy it away now." This is modelling how to use anger in a positive way to change an unacceptable situation.

Most young people have no difficulty recognising and distinguishing between thoughts and feelings. It is wonderful how quickly they learn the difference, in spite of they way many adults use those terms interchangeably in everyday conversations.

I often use the following example of two lads playing football when I suggest to students that their feelings are powerfully influenced by how they think. Suppose Bob and John are kicking a ball around and Bob kicks John. There is not a lot John can do about the physical pain, but he has choices about other feelings.

His choices are influenced by how he explains what happened to himself and the rules he has learned in his family about how people should behave.

If he thinks, "Bob did it deliberately", he will have different feelings than if he believes, "It was an accident" or "I was in the way".

If his parents have taught him that if someone kicks you, you go out and kick back, he will probably feel angry and act aggressively towards Bob. If, on the other hand, he has been educated to believe that violence only begets violence, he may choose to remain calm and not retaliate.

Families bring children up with different ideas about how each sex should think, feel and act. Effective relationship education makes young people aware that they have choices about the kind of loving relationships they need and encourages them to be aware of expressing feelings appropriately, in loving and respectful friendships.