Stand up to bullies, don't ignore them

Protecting children: Why the passive are as damaging as the aggressive:  It came as no surprise that Irish schools are facing a raft of legal suits for failing to take action on playground bullying.

Frustrated that schools are not doing enough to protect their children, a considerable number of parents have initiated legal proceedings. Other legal actions are being taken by adults who were harassed as children and who, despite reporting the bullying to teachers, found no action was taken.

Children need to know that significant adults in their lives - parents and teachers - will champion them when they are bullied, either by peers or by adults. All children deserve safety in all of the social systems they frequent - home, school, community, church and sports clubs. Certainly, there is now a greater awareness of the importance of both physical and sexual safety for children, especially regarding threats posed by adults. All the evidence suggests that such vigilance is not always present regarding physical and sexual threats from children's peer groups.

Furthermore, we are still a long way from accepting that the emotional threats to children from both their peer groups and adults, within homes, classrooms and community are so prevalent. People, adults and children alike, regularly hurt each other emotionally. Emotional hurting has many faces, for example, criticism, ridicule, scolding, hostile humour, put-down messages, comparisons, cynicism, sarcasm, dismissiveness, impatience, intolerance, irritability and aggression. One of the most frequent emotional neglects is passivity, where individuals turn a blind eye to children or adults being demeaned, lessened, exiled, humiliated and ignored. One wonders what those children who are at the mercy of bullying behaviours from other children or adults think of those adults who are aware of the sad circumstances but do nothing? And what about those young people who go around harassing their peers or adults and are not challenged by adults?

It needs to be seen that being passive in the face of bullying is as serious a neglect of children as the bullying itself. For too long Irish society has demonised those who exhibit aggression and sanctified those who are passive. Passivity in an adult masks a great neglect of self and of others, particularly children. Aggression, too, masks a great neglect of self and, more obviously, of others. Both defensive behaviours need to be challenged, not in a way that judges but in a way that understands. Understanding what makes an individual aggressive or passive is fundamental to bringing about responsible behaviour. Judgement, ridicule, or condemnation are unlikely to bring about the desired changes.

Understanding means getting to the core of what lies under the aggressive or passive stand of an adult or child and attempting to bring forward what lies hidden. Typically, deep hurt lies at the heart of aggression and passivity. The intention of both aggression and passivity is to prevent further hurt or at least minimise its occurrence. Helping those individuals to break the silence on their hurts and the source of their hurts is essential. What is also crucial is providing the support for the child or adult who employs passivity or aggression so that they can express strongly, but respectfully, their rights to physical, sexual, emotional, intellectual, social and spiritual safety no matter where they are or who they encounter.

Understanding threatening behaviour does not mean excusing it; on the contrary, the defensive behaviours of an adult or child cannot be allowed to become a threat to others. Sanctions and the provision of opportunities for the emergence of mature behaviour need to be the consequences of threatening behaviours.

Prevention of such threats lies in the hands of all of us by ensuring the establishment of safety for members, young and old, of each social system.

• Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of A Different Kind of Discipline