Self-esteem is key if teen mothers are to be supported

The recognition of the role of mothers and fathers as educators of their own children is crucial if relationship and sexuality education (RSE) programmes are to be effective.

Relationship education starts in the family. A developing trend in Irish society that must be reflected in school policies for RSE is the huge increase in lone-parent families.

In his book Lessons in Irish Sexuality, sociology lecturer Tom Inglis found that "while the number of births to women aged under 20 has not changed significantly since 1972, the proportion which have occurred outside marriage has increased from 3 per cent in 1972 to 89 per cent in 1992". In 1998 that figure had risen to 95.9 per cent; thus, just over 4 per cent of the 3,138 recorded births to mothers under 20 were to married women.

Life is incredibly difficult for an unmarried teenage girl, even when she has the full support of her boyfriend and parents. Most teenage mothers live with their parents; few family homes have the kind of facilities to allow teenage parents privacy.

When a couple can't have time together on their own, it is hard to sustain a relationship.

I have the impression that most unmarried teenage fathers tend to be supportive during the pregnancy and birth. Once the baby is born and reality hits them, a high proportion of young men fail to behave responsibly.

Looking after a baby is exhausting work and new mums are often tired out. Teenage dads seldom have the sensitivity or maturity to be understanding and supportive. They expect a fun partner when they go out and cope badly with a tired girlfriend who craves love, understanding and acceptance.

A relationship where the couple are "in love" but don't yet have the maturity for love seldom survives under stress. "In love" is focused on how good the other person makes you feel. It is wonderful and exciting and to be enjoyed, but if it doesn't develop into the kind of mature love that focuses on the other, on how to make your partner feel special and appreciated too, the relationship won't last.

Only a tiny number of teenage mothers get the ongoing emotional and financial support they need. For myriad reasons, it is common for teenage couples who deal well with a pregnancy to split up after the baby is born. I haven't been able to get accurate statistics, but my impression is that a very high number of teenage couples who have a baby separate.

In the beginning, the father may continue to have ongoing contact with the baby. When he gets into a new relationship, this may peter out. When the couple relationship breaks down, the father-child relationship can be neglected and contact is frequently lost with the birth father.

The self-esteem of a teenage mother who feels unsupported or abandoned by her boyfriend is seriously damaged. Psychologist Tony Humphreys says: "There are two central dimensions to self-esteem: the feeling of being lovable and the feeling of being capable."

The emotional trauma of breaking-up with the father of her child is devastating for the teenage girl who is left to parent on her own. How she relates to her parents and how she relates to her child will play a very important role in whether her baby feels secure and, later on, in whether her child will go on to develop a healthy sense of self-esteem.

Studies show that teenagers who engage in premature or irresponsible sexual behaviour often have poor self-esteem and experience low levels of academic achievement. Learning difficulties in school are usually accompanied by a loss of confidence and by poor self-esteem.

When a child starting school has self-esteem problems, it means that the parents (birth, foster or adopted) have difficulties in this area too. Teachers can build up and diminish self-esteem. However if there is a serious problem with self-esteem, the sources of the problem lie primarily within the home.

The most crucial family relationship is with the parents, but children are also affected by their experiences with grandparents (particularly when they live in the same house). A parent who has poor self-esteem and lacks self-confidence will pass that on. A young mother cannot give to her baby what she doesn't have for herself.

Poor self-esteem can lead to early sexual activity. This is a fact of life that needs to be sensitively highlighted in RSE programmes.