Parent Counsel

What should a parent do? The exam student's voice takes on a determined pitch: "Don't say `Shouldn't you be studying?' every time you see us. Don't look as if we've committed a crime if we want to go out, or take a break. Don't say `So, do you have a plan?' Do be supportive - provide cups of tea, plenty of chocolate, help IF ASKED, and lifts to and from exams."

Simple, really.

You're coming to the final weeks of what may have been the most stressful year of your parent life, especially if this is the first time you've faced the Junior Cert or Leaving Cert. Can you, the rest of the family and, oh yes, the exam student, survive the anxiety of it all? Get over the final hurdle without deep trauma?

Get out the Prozac, stock up on gin, do extra TM, yoga, whatever makes you chill - because staying calm and positive is the key to it all. There is absolutely no point at this stage in a parent panicking, throwing the head, getting angry, uptight or displaying any kind of stress. In the weeks of the final countdown, a parent's job is to be a steady rock of calm, soothing support, comfort, help, advice - and food. One mother swears by cups of tea and sympathy and stocking up on the exam student's favourite snacks.

Hard? Sometimes nearly impossible unless you're already that Perfect Parent who knows how to handle stress - yours and theirs - or have a child who does everything an exam child is supposed to do.

The problem for most parents is that, like ourselves, our children approach the business of school, study and exams in very different ways. In the same family, you might find you have to cope one year with a child who appears not to study, not to care and to be on the point of throwing 14 years of education down the tubes - and next year's one is over-anxious, over-stressed and panicked to the point of breakdown by exams.

Guidance counsellor Vivian Cassells has some good pragmatic advice but, if your child is somewhere at these extremes, he suggests that you bite your lip a lot, pray and muster up all the ingenuity at your disposal to see yourself and your child through the next month.

On the practical front, here is some of his advice. The weeks between now and June 10th, when the exams start, can be the very hardest, because many students have already finished school. Many have never had to structure a whole day of study by themselves, many will be alone if both parents work outside the home, and the danger of drift is very real.

Cassells' basic principles are that it's never too late to study no matter how little work a student has done all year; that it's necessary for them to take care of themselves for the next few weeks by eating, sleeping and exercising properly and that they should make the short-term sacrifice of giving up weekend work and babysitting for these few weeks to focus on exams. In short, students should be helped to give the exams their best shot.

He believes that this applies equally to Junior Cert and Leaving Cert. Although the Junior Cert hasn't the same importance as the Leaving Cert as a passport to the next level of education or work, it's an excellent rehearsal for the real thing.

He suggests that parents advise and help students to study by day, and get plenty of sleep at night. Many, if not all, teenagers, have a natural tendency to sleep late and work late, given a stretch of school-free days. But the point to emphasise, says Cassells, is that they need to train their minds to be alert at the time of day an exam is on. "They won't have exams at midnight, with music playing in the background."

So, the ideal is for a student to get up in the morning, have breakfast, study all morning, have a good lunch - leave one prepared if you're both out at work. Allow for a short break around lunch, perhaps a short walk, then study in the afternoon. When study is finished take some exercise - a swim, a walk or a game. If they must go out with friends in the evening, it shouldn't be too late.

It goes without saying that the house should be in exam mode. The student should have somewhere of their own to study and leave their books. The volume of everything - radios, CDs, TV, small kids and animals - should be turned down.

Some parents insist on getting involved in the nitty gritty of their children's study methods and schedules. While some students even accept this graciously, others won't hear of it. If you're in a position to give specific study advice, Cassells suggests that you advise your child to spend some of their time practising doing past exams within exam time limits.

The point, says Cassells, is that frequently students who are very well prepared lose marks because they over-answer some questions and run out of time to finish answering all of them. Time management is critical - and students knows this from the mocks.

Parents should try to tread the fine line between harassing/ hounding and providing regular practical help. If, for example, you're both out working during the day, don't ring every hour to check up, says Cassells. A call around lunch-hour to see if they're feeding themselves is enough.

In the evening, suss out their mood - this is a very tricky area, as children frequently assume threats or distrust even where it doesn't exist. If they suggest that you leave them alone - rarely that politely - it's probably best to back off. But, if it feels right, ask in a non-threatening way about what they studied, if they came up against anything that you could help with, what they're planning for tomorrow.

Equally, it's worth encouraging even a student who appears to be starting from ground zero at this incredibly late stage to give the exams a shot: "You can get a lot of work done in a couple of weeks, especially if you have good notes," says Cassells. He suggests that students do sample questions from tests, to find out what they do know, and where the gaps are. Another tip "is to turn chapter headings in textbooks, for example, in history, into questions, and see how much they can answer". The point is that even students who haven't worked up to now have imbibed some knowledge, and could still scrape through. The parents' job is to try to motivate the despairing student, if it's at all possible.

If you haven't got a telephone policy - ie, no calls taken or made between certain hours - now's the time to do so. Nothing is so disruptive to a student's concentration.

As for plans to get together in each other's houses to study, be very wary, says Cassells. It could be useful in certain circumstances, but a parent should be really convinced that this is so before agreeing to communal study. And, if you do agree, there shouldn't be more than four working together, he suggests.

SO, that's it. Stay calm and keep something in reserve for August when big decisions about third level have to be made.