Leading ourselves out of shadows

Self-esteem is the "in" thing. Adults are expected not only to know about self-esteem, but are also expected to possess a strong sense of themselves if they are to be effective as parents or workers or teachers or managers or employers.

It is now well established that how adults and children view themselves influences everything they do, think, say and feel.

A clear distinction needs to be made between self-worth and self-esteem. Self-worth is your real and authentic self. Infants' self-worth is very evident: they are spontaneous, affectionate, able to receive love, highly intelligent, confident, love learning, naturally curious, amazing at making their needs known and sure of their unique presence. Many children, adolescents and adults have gone a long, long distance from that original place of sureness. The measure of your vulnerability is the distance from your real self.

Self-esteem is a screen self, a shadow self, a crust that children form around their real selves. This crust protects the unique pearl of their self-worth and it reduces further threats to their expression of their true presence. It is not that parents, teachers, relatives and other significant adults in children's lives want deliberately to push children into hiding their real selves, but they themselves lie in hiding and operate out from their shadow selves. Your shadow self does not reflect the shape of your uniqueness, individuality and sacredness. In order to be accepted, children ingeniously conform to the shadow behaviours and expectations of parents and others. Such conformity brings the comfort of feeling less threatened and attaining some kind of acceptance. However, the acceptance is conditional on certain behaviours and never truly reaches the hearts of children. Insecurity will dog their steps until opportunities arise for them to free themselves of the prison of living in shadowlands. Some children and young people rebel against the shadow behaviours of others, but this is shadow begetting shadow, and a deeper darkness invades relationships. The aim is to counter-control, but the very behaviours that are threatening to those who rebel are the very ones used to reduce hurt. These young people are not free, but are imprisoned by the battle to offset further blows to their self-worth. "An eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth" never brought peace within or between the combatants.

Examples of shadow behaviours of adults that throw young people into hiding are irritability, dismissiveness, aggression, passivity, unrealistic expectations, apathy, over-protection, lack of affection, violence, dominance, rigidity, perfectionism, fear of failure, addiction to work, addiction to success, anxiety, depression.

The frequency, intensity and endurance (years, months, weeks) of these behaviours are telling factors in establishing how shadowed are parents themselves and their children.

Parents who engage and experience any of the above listed behaviours deserve compassion, not judgment. The latter will only propel them into stronger defensive behaviours; the former may provide the first stepping stone towards redeeming their true selves.

Adolescents can either have transient or more enduring shadow responses. The transient ones have largely got to do with the new challenges that adolescence brings: to gain acceptance by peer group, sexual development, experience of sexual attraction, increased academic competitiveness, greater educational responsibilities and major school examinations that have a determining influence on their future educational and career prospects. The transient defensive reactions may be worrying about having a pleasing personality, examination anxiety, concern about physical appearance, wanting to be liked, "hard man" behaviour, shyness, rebelliousness, anxiety about not having enough money, sexual insecurity.

The more alarming shadow behaviours that a high percentage of adolescents show are perfectionism, intense worry about examinations, wanting to drop out of school, having no friends, feeling unattractive, hating self, pessimism and fatalism, feeling never good enough, avoidance of contact with peers, intense shyness, strong feeling that nobody likes them, terror of failure, isolation, depression, high anxiety, suicidal feelings and thoughts, aggression, refusal to listen or accept help.

As regards the transient shadow responses, parents can rest assured that further life experience will resolve these uncertainties for their adolescent offspring. However, the more enduring and intense defensive behaviours are a serious cause for concern. Sadly, when parents themselves act out from a dark interiority, sometimes they are not in a place to see that not only do their children, but they themselves, need help to resolve the deep insecurities that darken the family. Denials, blaming of others, covering up the problems are all too common responses and, sometimes it takes a tragedy before help is sought.

Next week I will focus on self-worth and examinations.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of several books including The Family - Love It and Leave It.