Intimacy with self and others is vital

Intimacy with self and others is good for your health. Numerous studies have shown that closeness with self and others significantly extends life expectancy, boosts immune function, protects against disease and speeds up recovery time after surgery.

One long-term prospective study that followed up a group of 5,000 individuals over 35 years found that those who did not have close relationships with their parents in childhood died two to three times faster than those who felt loved and wanted. The researchers also found that over 90 per cent of the "unloved" group had one or more diagnosed illnesses such as heart disease, cancer, ulcers, blood pressure and alcohol dependence, compared to 45 per cent of the "loved" group. It has also been shown time and time again that people who feel lonely, depressed, alienated and isolated are more likely to suffer illness or die prematurely. What is needed for health is closeness and support, not necessarily sexual intimacy. Such platonic love can be with friends, family, colleagues and even with strangers. To reach out to others as an adult you need first of all to be able to reach into self. A strong sense of your interiority is the solid ground from which nobody can dismiss, exile or demean you. Such inner regard for self is also the platform for you to reach out to others. Essentially your present sense of interiority will determine your exteriority. As a psychologist I know that I can only help an individual to reach the same level of development I have attained myself. When we do not have a sense of our own worthiness to love and be loved, it is far too threatening to reach out with heart and mind to others. Indeed each of us has a profound duty to come into the light of our worth so that our presence automatically liberates the other to give and receive closeness.

Social scientists believe that the emphasis by psychologists on individuality blocks a basic drive for support and connection. I have heard it voiced by a leading churchperson that "individuality had destroyed the family". However the social scientists and some clergy appear to be confusing individuality with individualism. Individualism is a form of egocentricity whereby the person acts totally as if the world revolves around him and he can neither give nor truly receive love. Such persons are extremely demanding but their thirst for recognition and acceptance is a bottomless well that is impossible to fill. Deep down they feel unloved and are not in a place to give love. These adults would have had a childhood where they would have been "spoilt" by parents who gave them everything they demanded. These parents would never have encouraged them to be separate, independent, an individual and to express their uniqueness and giftedness. Even though they would have been the "centre" of attention, they were not allowed to centre on themselves, but learned cleverly to respond to the needs of parents to live their lives through them or offset intimacy by material giving. Love is a two-sided coin; it is about both giving and receiving and its focus is on the sacredness and uniqueness of the person. The focus of individualism is on behaviour, not on person. Fostering individuality focuses on person. Unconditional love is possible only when the person is seen as worthy of both receiving and giving love. There are no behavioural strings to such intimacy. In this way individuality is the cornerstone of intimacy and connectedness with others.

There are many people who live in interior darkness and unless they are helped and supported to switch on the light of their unique worth, they will remain in a place of disease and create unsupportive relationships with others. The giving and receiving of unconditional love is not a benign issue that we can choose to ignore. On the contrary, it is vital for our total well-being, because mind and body are indivisible. Eastern medicine and progressive Western medicine believe that each cell in your body communicates with all the other cells to enable the body to work as a unit. In effect, how you communicate emotionally inside and outside yourself will largely determine the cellular activities of your body.

Nurturing closeness with self and others involves the unconditional acceptance of self and others; giving and receiving warmth, tenderness and affection without any covert or overt manipulation; being with people who love self, others and life; finding a supportive person and family-centred workplace; having people to talk to about your innermost needs, feelings and conflicts; a balanced lifestyle; practising loving kindness towards each person you meet whether partner, friend, colleague, relative or stranger.

Your health is one of your most important investments and the maintenance of closeness with self and others is the key. Regrettably, having has become the sinister enemy of intimacy and physical well-being.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of Work and Worth - take back your life.