How you can help build self-esteem

I was in a park the other Sunday and I heard a little boy shout: "I am the greatest, I am just fantastic - magic!" Well, I thought, he has good self-esteem. However, on reflection, I think differently.

What exactly do we mean by having good self-esteem? I looked it up in the dictionary and it said: "to have confidence and satisfaction in oneself". Rare is the person who has a good self-confidence at all times.

Yet if self-esteem is having a good balance of self-confidence and self-respect, it is important to encourage our children to have it. If you have good self-esteem, a sense of responsibility comes with it - to appreciate your own worth, to be accountable for your actions towards yourself and to act responsibly towards others.

Having good self-esteem does not mean people are so confident they feel they are better than others. Or on the other hand, a person can be a gold medallist and still feel a failure if he or she does not have self-esteem.

So is this self-esteem elusive or obtainable? How can we encourage our children to have it, so they can feel capable about their abilities, feel that what they do and say is significant? That they are important enough to influence the world around them, that they are worthy, unique human beings? Also, that others should also be treated in the same caring way as they themselves like to be treated.

Self-esteem is important for children of all ages, but research has found that the young child of around five years has a high self-esteem that dramatically declines by the time he or she reaches double figures - and it is at an all-time low during the teenage years.

"I am too fat." "I can't play any sports." "Nobody likes me." "I've got no friends." "I hate the way I look." "I can't do this maths."

Children value themselves as they are valued. Parents play a vital role in building a child's self-esteem - the messages we convey in the small, everyday things help or hinder our children's self-esteem.

Here are some ways in which a parent can help to develop a sense of self-esteem in our children.

The young child

Tell your child regularly that he or she is unconditionally loved, in words and in actions - Even if he has been bold: "I love you, but I do not like your behaviour."

Listen and talk to your child - have a regular little chat.

Be careful of your language. Instead of "you can do better than that", try saying encouraging things like "I know you are trying your best and hard work will pay off . . . . You can figure it out . . . . That's a challenge, but you can do it." Use language that boosts morale, not dampens it.

Dare to discipline! Provide clear boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Praise your child often. If he is having setbacks, find something positive to say when efforts have not been successful .

Give him the opportunity to make choices as early as possible.

The Middle Years

As well as the previous ways to encourage self-esteem, add the following.

Encourage your child to join groups such as scouts, sports teams, drama groups.

Offer opportunities to develop whatever skills you find your unique child has.

Make your home available to friends. Support them in developing friends and interests.

The Teenage Years

Keep encouraging them to bring their friends home. See the friends at close quarters, as peers play an important part in your teenager's life.

Respect your teens' need for privacy.

Encourage them to make their own decisions and take responsibility for what actions they take.

Spend time doing something together. Try to develop a more adult relationship, talking thing out together in a mutually respectful way.

Be a good role model, making the most out of your life and being caring towards others.

Keep your sense of humour - you are going to need it.

Finally, no matter how big or adult they are, they still need a hug and loving words and cuddles regularly, although they may never admit to it.

It is not just the parent who builds a child's confidence, but everyone who comes in contact with them. From the lollipop lady who says "Hi, how are you today?" to the teacher who really cares that they enjoy Irish, to the uncle or godparent who takes that special interest in their lives. All goes to build together a caring community for our children to grow up in.

We can all in some way, even if we have no children of our own, take the time and make the effort to talk in a caring way to the children we know or are in our care and take an interest in how they feel and who they are.

Because self-esteem is important in forming happy, well adjusted, responsible children, it is in everyone's interest - indeed it is everyone's responsibility - to help build it in all children. As adults, we should remember that sometimes it is even just our attitude towards children, while talking and listening to them, that can make all the difference.