How to use a drama to avoid a crisis

Talk to your children about sex now and keep talking - otherwise it couldbe too late, writes Louise Holden

Even the most liberal parent doesn't relish talking to children about sex. By the time families tackle the issue together, children have learned a great deal from often dubious sources. The dearth of any meaningful conversation on the subject throughout childhood means that parents and children don't easily communicate their feelings about sex when it finally surfaces on the agenda. Often it takes a foiled sexual experiment or the discovery of some "illicit" material to spark any discussion about sex. By then, many valuable learning opportunities have been lost.

Children have sexual identities and curiosity long before puberty starts. Even if we could shield them from sexual experimentation until the age of consent, they cannot be protected from the unsubtle media messages that will accost them every day.

Rather than squirming and changing the channel when TV throws a sexual curveball at the family, these moments can be used as an opportunity to get children talking about sex and relationships. The character Kira in RTÉ soap Fair City is living the story of the crisis pregnancy at the moment - it's a crisis that plenty of Irish teenagers will face. Chatting about a soap character is a more comfortable proposition for most children than sitting down for the "big conversation". It gives parents and children a chance to explore issues like unprotected sex, sex before marriage and pregnancy in an abstract way.

Irish parents have a spectrum of values when it comes to sex, ranging from those who take their daughters to the GP to discuss contraception to those who espouse total abstinence from sex until marriage. Many parents are not even comfortable with the idea of sexual education in school. Regardless of your position, one principle should guide every parent - start talking to your children about sex, soon and often. So says every expert in the field, from educational psychologists to crisis pregnancy counsellors.

Don't wait until they are teenagers for one big conversation - have endless little conversations that begin when they start asking questions.

Children really need to know that there is nothing wrong with asking their parents questions about sexuality. This is why the American Social Health Association coined the term "askable parents". Children who learn about sex from "askable parents" learn values and love along with the facts.

This is the key point here. Children can - and will - learn about the mechanics of sexuality from a range of official and unofficial sources - school, magazines, TV, friends - but it is at home that they can learn about the context of sex; the relationships, the dilemmas, the positive experiences and the dangers.

"So many parents feel uncomfortable talking about reproduction and sexuality with their children, but research in other countries and anecdotal evidence here suggests that children who talk about sex openly with their parents are more likely to delay experimentation and intercourse," says Catherine Heaney, Chief Executive of the Irish Family Planning Association.

"When parents wait to have that first conversation at thirteen or fourteen, it's an understandably fraught and upsetting experience." Sex education that starts early and progresses as the child grows, says Heaney, does away with the need for those terrifying and unproductive sex summits that make parents sweat and teens wither with embarrassment.

"There's more to sex education than warnings and threats. When we talk about sex in Ireland it's a conversation that's polarised into comedy or fire and brimstone. But there are wider issues at play - body image, relationships, health. In countries where sex education is more holistic - less focused on the dangers and the biology - there are lower levels of crisis pregnancy."

Sex is a normal part of people's lives - it's everywhere we turn. Why should the family home be the one place where we dare not speak its name? Heaney advises taking cues from your children. Don't fob off their early questions about babies with fairy tales and symbolism; it only creates more confusion in the long run.

Olive Braiden of the National Crisis Pregnancy Agency is working with young women rather than children, but she attributes the high-risk behaviour of many Irish young people to a lack of basic information in the home.

"Interviews conducted with Irish women who have had abortions reveal that many had little or no understanding of contraception. The lack of knowledge many of them showed was striking. All research shows that children with information on sexual health choose to delay sexual practice and take fewer risks when they become sexually active."

Parents need help in this area and there's not a lot on offer. The Family Planning Association in the UK (www.fpa.org.uk) provides useful material online to help parents get the conversation started.

The North Eastern Health Board, in conjunction with the British Family Planning Association, has just brought out a number of booklets originally published in Britain but tailored for Irish children. 4boys and 4girls are available through the health promotion unit of the North Eastern Health Board.

Another British publication, Talking to you child about sex, can be ordered through the Irish Family Planning Association.

• Correction: In last week's parenting feature The Cost Of Living Together, I stated that cohabiting couples who were joint property owners were liable for Capital Acquisitions Tax on their deceased partner's stake in the property. The Finance Bill 2000 inserted a new section into the Capital Acquisitions Tax Act, 1976, providing that gifts or inheritances of a dwellinghouse taken on or after December 1st, 1999, will be exempt from CAT provided the recipient has occupied the dwelling-house continuously as a main residence for a period of three years prior to the date of the gift or inheritance and must continue to live there for six years thereafter, unless over the age of 55.