Guidelines for a negotiating generation

Democracy is defined in the Chambers English dictionary as "a state of society characterised by the recognition of equality of rights and privileges". Transfer this concept to the home and you are left with the idea of a home in which everyone - children and adults alike - has equal rights and privileges.

Is this an idealistic notion or a genuine aim? Put simply, can democracy in the home work?

Psychologist Rosemary Troy says some of the ideals of a democracy can be applied to family life, but perhaps with a liberal sprinkling of common sense thrown in. Democracy with leadership - as opposed to the extremes of democracy gone mad or a fascist regime - is a good model, she says.

"And it's a democracy that requires strong leadership from the parents," she says. "You have to take into account that children don't always know what is best for them, and parents ought to be in a position to decide things like staying up until 11 p.m. to watch a horror movie is not good for young children. "Children need protection from themselves and they need to know someone is in charge. If you don't have strong leaders, you will end up in terrible trouble and the four-year-old tyrant will become the 10-year-old tyrant who will become the 14-year-old tyrant." On a personal note, Troy says that when her children were younger, family meetings were held in which different issues relating to home life were discussed. "It's not an essential part of family life, but it can be useful because everybody has an opportunity to say how they feel and voice their views in a safe way.

"I believe in flexibility," she continues. "Some families can be very rigid but it is not useful to have too many rules. When children have a say in the rules of the house and what happens if a rule is broken, this can allow them to feel empowered in the family and help them becoming thinking people who partake in decision-making.

"Children need to be respected more than anything. Parents worry about children not respecting them - but if we respect them, it will be returned," Troy says. Madeline Clarke, deputy chief executive of Barnardo's, says some decisions in the home lend themselves to a democratic approach and others - for example those which would put children or teenagers in potentially dangerous situations - simply don't. "Democracy also involves respect for individuals, even if they are in the minority, and this is a good value to promote in family life," continues Clarke.

"Wise parents consult their children on things that will affect them, but don't hand over the responsibility for making decisions until they are ready to do so. "It is important for children to understand how decisions get made but parents don't always make explicit this process of weighing up the pros and cons."

While very young children need more care and protection, as they get older this care and protection can be balanced with encouragement to take responsibility, Clarke says.

"This ability to take responsibility needs to be nurtured as does the giving of choices within clear limits: having a nonnegotiable time for bed combined with offering a choice of bedtime story, for example. "It is necessary to give children a sense of dignity and saving face even when they are not in control. However, showing children who is boss can end up in tired and frustrated parents putting themselves in for a lot of unnecessary confrontation with their children," Clarke concludes.

Fionnuala Kilfeather, national co-ordinator of the National Parents Council (Primary) says parents nowadays are looking more at ways to give their children skills in making responsible choices. "Giving children such opportunities is what democracy is about," she says.

While acknowledging that children also need to be protected and safeguarded against potential dangers, she says this generation of parents is often dubbed the "negotiation generation". Perhaps parents are finding such strategies more acceptable, having emerged somewhat scarred themselves from more authoritarian families.

"Unless you start practising democracy at an early age and build up trust between you and your children," Kilfeather says, "you may have a situation in which you won't know what your children are doing once they are out of sight."