Don't be too hard on yourself

WHAT DOES being a good parent mean? What do you really want for your children? We all want to do the best for our children - yet do we really know what makes a successful parent?

We are all given different little individuals to bring up, so our parenting must differ in some ways. Family life can be hectic at times, and it is easy in theory to know what to do, but sometimes difficult to put into practice.

Ask any couple if they feel they are successful parents. The answer, invariably, is vague, like "sometimes" or "we do our best". Occasionally they feel guilty or a bit of a failure as parents, especially at times when children misbehave or are apparently unhappy.

Parenting is a huge responsibility. Many of us, I am sure, have lost our tempers at the wrong child, got irritated unfairly when it was something else bothering us or left a baby crying a little longer because we just could not cope.

We parents are not perfect, yet parents are often all too ready to take the blame for their children's shortcomings. Children are not perfect; they need to learn and develop, and in doing this it is in their nature to make mistakes.

However, we can as parents learn strategies and practical tips that may help us to be better parents. First, think about what you want from being a parent - it is sometimes a difficult question to answer truthfully.

Yes, we would all like our children to be happy and successful. We love our children, but we would also like them to be liked by others - wouldn't we? We would like our children to compare favourably with other children - wouldn't we?

Perhaps we have an idealised picture of what our children should be - or of how a perfect parent would behave. There is nothing wrong with having high expectations for our children or ourselves - so long as they are realistic.

Successful parents are not perfect and shouldn't expect to be. They recognise and accept their own and their children's changing moods and feelings, accept that family life is sometimes chaotic and unpredictable and have clear ideas about parenting - but realise that flexibility is needed for individual needs and as they mature.

SUCCESSFUL PARENTS should understand (heir own needs too and not feel guilty about them. Children do not need perfect parents to develop normally, just parents doing their best - as long as the child realises she is loved, cherished and cared for.

Our children are still training to be adults and make many mistakes along the way. While they are growing up they will all lapse into bad behaviour, often with parents asking themselves "Where did we go wrong?"

All children go wrong sometimes. But if we give long term consistent parenting, this "wrong doing" can be seen in the context of the child's overall behaviour. Sometimes personality traits that upset us when a child is young turn into something we admire as they grow older.

So how do we know if we are being the best parents we can be? Do we look at our screaming toddler or our bickering children and think "nil out of 10, we are bad parents"?

We all have bad patches. Listening and giving time over a lifetime is what counts. Take a long term view of yourself as a parent, don't worry too much about little inconsistencies and if you are unhappy with what you see, then look at the areas with room for improvement.

You are generally being a good parent if you give them as much time as you can - while leaving some for yourself and your partner. You try to keep calm and cool with your children most of the time. You are consistent in your dealing and rules with your children. You do not expect your children to behave like little adults.

You make allowances for them and for yourself. Explain to your children if you feel tired or upset. Apologise if you lose your temper, showing you have feelings too. Give them time, listen to them, and, most of all, love them and let them know it regularly.