Do your homework on bullying

Even though bullying is a fact of school life, parents have the power to help their children cope with it, writes Louise Holden

The new school year is at hand, and most children are browned off about it. But some will take it harder than others. If your children seem to be full of unnatural dread about September, perhaps they are the targets of a bully. Dr Brendan Byrne has been working with school bullies and their targets for 30 years, and the results, he says, can be devastating. But he doesn't want to alarm parents.

"I like to preface the school-bullying discussion by reminding people that bullies, and targets, are in the minority. Parents should not live in terror of their child becoming a target. They should, however, be empowered to deal with it if it happens." He says parents can prepare themselves and their children to deal with bullies before they do emotional damage.

Dr Byrne belives that anybody can become the focus of bullying. Whether or not people are bullied depends on their level of vulnerability in particular situations and their reactions when it happens. Parents should look out for four key risk factors.

"A child's physical characteristics may attract attention: anything from hair colour to size. There are ways to counter this. One is to ensure that your child feels good: give him plenty of positive messages about himself. Don't deny the obvious if it comes up: you'll lose credibility. Point out that everybody has a distinguishing feature: it's what makes us unique.

"It's equally important, however, to build up their emotional resources. Help them to understand that the reason why they are being treated like this may be because of jealousy or insecurity on the part of the bully."

The second trait to look out for in your child is shyness or sensitivity. If you know your child is timid you're probably working on that already. You can't turn a church mouse into a pit bull, but you can provide some basic anti-bullying strategies (see panel).

The third risk to look out for should not be seen as a criticism of parents, because it is through our children that we are most vulnerable. If they suffer, we suffer. If you are an overly anxious parent, always expecting the worst, that fearfulness may be transferred to your child. The ideal is to find the balance so that your child will speak openly to you if they are under pressure and yet know that they will not have to face a detailed interrogation every day after school.

The fourth, and most important, consideration is the atmosphere at school, says Byrne. What are the school authorities prepared to tolerate? What is their policy on bullying, if they have one? When school-yard banter turns nasty, personal or sexual, how do staff handle it? Are they teaching a message of tolerance and respect? The best way to find that out is to talk to other parents with children in the school for some time.

So what makes a bully? "Nobody is born a bully," says Byrne. "The behaviour develops when early, negative attempts to assert control are rewarded. If children attain power, status and control by bullying other children, it takes a powerful argument to change that."

Bullies, in Byrne's experience, are children with no sense of empathy for the pain and suffering of others. They can learn to empathise with their targets if the situation is handled early and sensitively.

Perception is important. One's child's banter is another child's bullying. The key is the perception of the bullied. If the behaviour is causing persistent distress and yet the bully continues, that is bullying.

"I'm not bitter towards bullies, even though I see the devastation they cause every day. The sooner you can make them aware of the damage they are causing, the better. Criticise the behaviour, not the individual. If softly, softly doesn't work, however, you have to draw a line in the sand.

"Schools must have a disciplinary procedure that kicks in after reasoning and understanding have failed. This may involve a warning, followed by notifying the parents, followed by suspension."

Occasionally the parents of the bully will take concerned and responsible action to address their child's behaviour. More often, Byrne concedes, they deny the behaviour altogether.

"It can provide parents with some satisfaction to talk to the bully's parents face to face, but be prepared for an unconstructive response in many cases. If you have to confront the family, prepare in advance what you are going to say, remain calm and dispassionate and walk away when you have said your piece. Don't hang around for a row."

Being the parent of a bullied child is almost as lonely as being bullied yourself. You lie in bed worrying about it. You feel helpless to act for fear of making the situation worse. Don't shut down like the young person has, says Byrne.

"Talk to anyone who'll listen. Don't be ashamed. Some of us are still carrying around the idea that a few knocks are no harm to a child and that bullying is just part of growing up. It's not. It can and should be dealt with. It will never be totally eradicated, but we can stop it from thriving. Bullying weakens the foundations of a civilised society."

• Dr Brendan Byrne is a counsellor at Coolmines Community School in Dublin. He was a member of the Government working party on countering bullying in schools. He will speak as part of Confronting Bullying, a four-week course organised by Father Tony Byrne and Sister Kathleen Maguire at St Mary's College in Rathmines, Dublin, September 9th-30th. Bookings on 01-8380157 or by e-mail, to awarenesseducation@eircom.net

How to respond

• Your child is a target. What next?

• Reassure your child that the problem lies with the bully and not with him.

• Your child has no reason to feel foolish or guilty.

• Listen in a supportive way.

• Gently establish that this is a problem bullying case and not an everyday school-yard run-in.

• Write down the details of any incident, including the time, place, who was present and what was said or done. Gather any evidence available - photographs of property damage or injury, text messages or e-mails, notes in schoolbooks, witness accounts and the like.

• Telephone or write to the school for a meeting. Do not arrange one in person. If the bully sees you on the school grounds it may make the situation worse.

• If the bullying is also taking place off school property, you can involve the Garda. Although they cannot take bullies into custody unless there is an assault, juvenile liaison officers and community guards are very supportive, and their presence at danger spots can make a difference. Also, talk to others who may be able to help: bus drivers, caretakers and so on.

• If the school is unwilling to act or has no formal procedure, contact the board of management and seek advice from the parents' association, if there is one.

Can you bully-proof your child?

It's impossible to provide total protection from bullying, but you can equip your child with coping strategies.

• Build up your child's self-esteem by complementing him on his appearance, personality and ability.

If your child is having little success at school, socially or academically, try

to find a rewarding outlet for his abilities through extracurricular activity.

• Role-play the bullying situation with your child, to see how he responds.

• Encourage him to lift his head, look you in the eye and speak loudly and clearly.

• When your child is bullied at school tell him to protest loudly - "Get away and leave me alone!" - to attract attention.

• Advise your child to imagine a wall around him - the bully's taunts are like arrows that fall to the ground. If he can learn to shut out the negativity he will be less hurt by the attacks.

• Never advise retaliation, especially the physical kind. It gives the bully an excuse to continue his behaviour and describe it as self-defence.