Daddy, I hardly knew you

Think about it. Tony Humphreys urges fathers to spend time reflecting on how they got on with their own dads

It was not so long ago that fathers were often perceived as remote, absent or neglectful - and not without justification. However, in their defense, little enough was expected of them other than to bring in the money, carve the Sunday joint and be the final arbiter or authority a mother might invoke to discipline her child.

Loss, anger, aggression, despair, distance, remoteness, unknowing and fear were often the long-term feelings experienced by children of fathers who were not emotionally there for them.

What is often forgotten is that fathers themselves were children once and they too had probably experienced the lack of an emotional link with their fathers. The emotional hurt that sons and daughters experience from a deprived father-child relationship can be traced back several generations. The cycle of neglect can only cease when somebody in the generation line stops, reflects and takes action.

It is especially incumbent on fathers of young children to reflect on their past and present relationship with their children and their own parents. Too often parents repeat the behaviours of their own parents that caused them so much hurt. Indeed, adult offspring often have not separated from their family of origin and sometimes they continue to seek love and recognition from the parent(s) who was not there for them in the past or in the present. Unless fathers and mothers stop this dependence on their parents, how can they be there for their own children?

In the present social climate, fathers are in danger of extinction. Between 30-40 per cent of babies are now born to lone mothers. Currently in Europe, one in two marriages break down and, over 90 per cent of the time, mothers are left holding the children.

Up to 30 per cent of separated fathers disappear from the family scene. In many cases, conflict between the parents persists and this continues to eat into the heart of the relationship between each child and each parent. There is a growing percentage of separated fathers who discover, for the first time, the emotional and social joys of being a father when they no longer are on the margin of a family largely mediated by mother.

Very few separated women want to marry a second time or have more children. Indeed, more and more women are choosing not to marry or have children. Unless men learn to take an active and equal role in the rearing of children and the creation and maintenance of a home, those women who can have career, financial independence and sexual liberation will learn to do without a husband and a father for their children.

In my clinical practice, I come across so many sons and daughters who longed for a father who could show them love. An overwhelming sense of inadequacy and unattractiveness can envelop the son or daughter who was not able to secure and hold their father's attention.

It is not the case that fathers do not want to be actively and lovingly present to their children, but men need support and encouragement to demonstrate their tender side.

Parents who are effective help children to feel worthy and strong. Fathers, when they are at home, tend to be good at receiving love from their children, but poor at expressing it. Everybody needs to feel special. Fathers need to learn how to let each child know that he is loved, wanted and special. It is also wise for a father to spend time alone with each child. Fostering self-esteem means making it safe for children to speak out without fear of rejection and criticism.

Many men have missed out on a closeness with their fathers. It is especially these men, but also all others who aspire to fathering children who need to reconstruct and seriously rethink what is needed in the father-son, father-daughter relationship.

Dr Tony Humphreys is a consultant clinical psychologist and author of The Family, Love it and Leave It