Communicating better with our children

All of us would probably agree that good communication is an essential part of good relationships, whether within work situations, with friends or with family. However, we sometimes ignore the basics of good communications. This can happen especially with people we know well. We take them for granted, and expect them to understand. We resort to nagging, preaching and giving advice, rather than listening and taking time to make sure that we and they are understood. Sometimes, we may speak to our children in ways we would never use when speaking to another adult.

Good listening and communication can bring major benefits to a family. It can defuse tensions by allowing all members to express their feelings and opinions, and can help to resolve difficulties more easily. It can unite family members, avoid "putting down" and be important in developing self-esteem. It can help young people develop insights into their thinking and behaviour - and this in turn can help them to develop a sense of self.

How can we ensure good communication with our children?

Spend time together. While quality is more important than quantity, if we spend all our time doing separate things and don't spend time together to share enjoyment, or time to talk and listen, we can find ourselves in a situation where we don't talk about things that matter to us. If we don't take time to talk and listen to each other within the family, we are less likely to notice if difficulties are arising for our children.

Don't assume that you know how your child thinks or feels. We may feel that we know our children well. However, our familiarity can lead to inattention, and we can forget that they are changing and meeting new challenges. Frequently, we are so sure that we know what our child is going to say that we don't listen to what she or he is saying. How often have we switched off or answered before we've heard what they are trying to tell or ask us? If we stop anticipating or assuming what our children are going to say, we are more likely to really hear them.

Remember teenagers still need our support. Because friends become more important in the lives of teenagers, parents sometimes feel that they do not matter to their teenage children. Friends are very important and can be a major source of support for our children.

Nevertheless, most teenagers are attached to their homes in a very positive way. Studies show that teenagers, in general, want to spend time with their parents.

Teenagers do have a greater need for privacy than small children do, and we need to respect their wish to work somethings out for themselves. We need to let them know that we are there if they want to talk something through with us. They are more likely to communicate with us if we maintain an ongoing interest in what is happening in their lives, rather than talking to them about chores, routines and so on.

Reduce the amount of criticism, preaching and ordering. Even though we don't like being criticised ourselves, it can be salutary to reflect on how often we use it to try to get teenagers to do what we want. Criticism can block communication, make people defensive and rarely encourages people to change. This is true for children and adults of all ages, but it is particularly true for teenagers who are striving for independence. Criticism, nagging or arguing can back them into a corner.

Consider your style of communicating with your children. Are preaching or ordering dominant elements? If they are, ask yourself if you are happy with the relationship. If you wish to change the relationship, perhaps start by spending more time listening - and you will hear what is important to your children and what is going on in their lives.

Support them without taking over. Sometimes, in our desire to help our child, we may rush in and tell him or her of the chance to discuss the situation with us, and of the opportunity to come to terms with the situation. By regularly giving our children unasked-for advice, we may give them the message that we think they are not capable of solving their own problems.

Be open about yourself. Let your teenagers into your world without burdening them with your problems. Let them see your own dreams, hopes, frustrations and disappointments. When you express your feelings honestly, your child will know you better, and will be encouraged to express opinions. Saying how you feel can be more effective than blaming or criticising, and the other person is more likely to understand you point of view.

Listen. By listening, we get to know how someone is thinking and feeling, understand their situation better and help the other person to feel understood. Genuine listening requires giving attention, stopping other activities, switching off our own thoughts and concerns and switching on to the other person.

We all have times when we find it hard to listen. We may be busy or caught up with our own concerns. If you are unable to listen at the time the other person chooses to talk, give your attention for a moment, and suggest a time when you can listen. This is better than pretending to listen. Listening is an excellent way of helping children and teenagers resolve some of the problems they have to deal with. They can release some of their feelings and perhaps see the issues in question more clearly. If they feel they are not being listened to and heard, then frustration is added to the original problem.

There always will be times when we behave in ways that we regret later. That's human. Everyone makes mistakes. Being able to apologise for our mistakes and building up an open listening relationship with our children helps them feel respected, really communicated with and perhaps understood.