Conduct unbecoming

Eating out at this time of year is a hectic experience and it's not entirely fair to judge a restaurant on how it performs if there's 100 people or more squeezed in, lots of them drinking heavily, bellowing at the tops of their voices, singing or pulling crackers. Pity the restaurateur. They may have a full house, the money may be rolling in, but the public in a party mood can be a beast.

People have different ideas about what is and isn't good manners in a restaurant. "One thing that is detestable, said a friend, is people who take their drinks with them from the bar to the table, so you have all these pint glasses at dinner." That doesn't sound too offensive to me. However, I agree with him that people who like to let you know what a good time they are having by laughing like drains all evening are very annoying. You don't pay restaurant prices to put up with a lot of braying at the next table, he says, but of course some people do exactly that. They like it. It is called ambience. There are other absolute no-nos in his book. You don't harrangue the staff - if you're a guest it's bad manners, if you're the host it puts your guests on edge, and anyway, most of us waited on tables at some time so we shouldn't be so grand as to forget what it's like.

Heavy petting at table is totally rude. A little hand holding yes, flourishing of expensive rings, by all means, but full French kissing puts people off their food. Mobile phones, of course, are totally out. Once is excusable, but after that it should be switched off and not allowed to tweet away every 10 minutes.

Being late for a table is bad form and not showing up for a booking is inexcusable. You must cancel beforehand - even if something has gone wrong very late in the day and you're left feeling sheepish. These rules apply all year round but at Christmas, when restaurants are full to bursting, a few extra guidelines come into play. One of these is to do with taxis. "It's very annoying when a party ask for a taxi at such and such an hour, and then leave it waiting for ages," said one exasperated restaurateur. "I have to say that this is a very woman thing. These groups of girls come and they say they will be leaving at midnight, so we order a cab - and you know how hard it is to get one these days - then it comes and they say, God I'm not ready to leave yet, send it away. Then half an hour later they want the taxi back and they're giving out when it doesn't come immediately."

Another manager, who runs a chic brasserie, despairs of the big groups who come book their Christmas lunch in May or June, then come expecting to have the time of their lives. "They are usually not our regular customers, they read about us somewhere and make the booking but when they come they always seem to be expecting more - they want more space, or gourmet food, or more atmosphere, no matter what you do they are not happy." Women again are the worst offenders, he says. "And then people can't count. They book for 25 and they arrive and there's 32 of them!"

As far as bad behaviour goes this sounds fairly mild. Restaurant managers, though, are reluctant to tell you about anything really scurrilous that goes on at or under the table.

"We do get people getting locked in the toilets, but usually it's because they're drunk and they go to sleep there," said one manager, who most definitely did not want to be named. "That sort of thing is fine, so long as they don't make a mess."

Restaurant lavatories shouldn't be used as a sort of salon, where you go half way through the meal to bitch about the other people at the table. If you do this regularly then sooner or later the person you are talking about will flounce out of one of the cubicles and never talk to you again.

Cubicles should be used by one person at a time, and they should be left as you would like to find them, as the little notices on airplanes suggest. You should not nick the tissues, deodorants or perfumes that are for guests' use. "It's amazing what people do take," said yet another restaurateur who does not want to be identified. "People take toilet rolls and cleaning fluids. We have had pictures taken from the walls and once someone actually took down the curtain rails from the ladies room."

People do like to lose a few inhibitions at the Christmas lunch or dinner and that can mean anything from singing and shouting to spilling wine and breaking glasses with Russian abandon. At the very least it will mean a bit of shouting and roaring and no-one remembering what they ordered so the waiter has to stand there for about five minutes saying: "Guinea fowl. . . who ordered ze guinea fowl. . . anyone?" before some befuddled person snaps to and shoots up their hand.

Every party has a few downright messy types who leave trails of wrapping paper and Sellotape behind them, drop bits of food all over the floor then grind them in with their heels, spill coffee on the carpet or make a mess with candlewax.

Messy is one thing, belligerent is another. The happiest, long, boozy lunch or dinner can turn nasty if someone is determined to have a really good argument or simply start dismantling the fixtures and fittings as a jolly jape. It's hard for a waiter to keep up with the party spirit if one of the diners insists - as a friend did a couple of Christmases ago - on removing a marble bust from a plinth and sitting it beside him at the table.

Waiters need lots of skill, judgment and tact to deal with all kinds of seasonal silly carry-on, especially in a packed diningroom where they may have to shimmy through six inch gaps between the backs of chairs carrying a tray load of Irish coffees.

And while we're on the subject of afterdinner drinks, does anyone need three flaming sambucas or creme de menthe frappes after a big meal? People can just about hold it together if they stick to wine, but wander off down the digestif track and you've had it. Sometimes the manager will offer a drink on the house, and it's fine to accept. Take it as a farewell gesture, not the beginning of a fresh bout of drinking.

But the best manners of all is to know when to leave. Leave the table when you're having a good time. Don't wait until everyone is tilting over into their drinks, mascara is running badly and the staff want to stab you for keeping them up so late. A song is not strictly necessary. Go back to someone's house and let the staff clear up.

And by the way, leave a decent tip if you have been utterly obnoxious. Staff will also appreciate flowers and an apology the next morning. Enjoy!