Bet, drink and be merry, urges cheerful Charlie

Last week it was the Pope. Yesterday it was Mr Charlie McCreevy's turn to unveil a pre-millennium list of indulgences to help the faithful reach the Kingdom of Heaven.

In a 70-minute speech which was worth years in purgatory for the Opposition, Mr McCreevy outlined his version of how people could attain salvation through good deeds (increased carer's allowance), making special pilgrimages (reduced tax for visitors to bookies' shops), and leading cleaner lives (2p a litre off liquid petroleum gas).

There was no increased tax on alcohol, and the message of "Bet, drink and be merry" was rapturously received on the Government benches, which responded to the Minister's every word like a church-full of Mississippi Baptists.

"Hear hear" and "Good man," they shouted, and it was only with great restraint they didn't add "Hallelujah". Across the floor, meanwhile, Fine Gael stared back like God's frozen people; dour Lutherans biting righteous lips as their detractors taunted: "You've all gone very quiet, lads."

Not until the section on child care did the Opposition have anything to shout about. State provision for child care is still at the teething stage; and the Minister's promise "to examine the matter further" was like dropping it off at granny's for the day. "Fudging, fudging," shouted Labour's Mr Sean Ryan.

Upstairs in the public gallery, Mr Stewart Kenny of Paddy Powers Bookmakers sat wearing a lurid orange tie. The future's bright, his tie was saying, and it wasn't wrong. When the Minister came to the section headed "Betting tax," any decorum left in the Dail chamber disappeared. "Winner all right!" shouted Mr Brendan McGahon, in one of the few comments not lost in a rumpus worthy of the Cheltenham Festival.

When the Minister finished, Mr Noel Treacy attempted to lead a standing ovation, but the effort fell at the first fence. It might have succeeded but for Mr McCreevy's decision to end his speech with a little bit of philosophy, which was not so much "I think therefore I am," as "I'm the Minister, therefore I can get away with this."

"During anyone's lifetime, there are sometimes going to be good days . . .", he began, inspiring at least six Opposition TDs to echo the words of a Van Morrison record. "Maybe you earned an extra few pounds. . ", the Minister continued, only to be interrupted with shouts of "Don't put it on a horse!".

And as the soliloquy staggered on towards the sit-down ovation, Mr John Bruton administered a one-word coup-de-grace: "Shakespeare!". On a day of give-aways from the Minister, not even the Opposition had gone unrewarded.