The Yes Woman: I’m gaming for a laugh, away from the vile misogyny

Men and women tend to be different. We can never seem to fully decide whether these differences are inherent, or whether social norms and teachings permeate us at a tender age, the accepted doctrines about gender seeping under our skin and taking hold. Perhaps it is a combination of both.

However it has occurred, we’re all aware of certain things in which we are expected to have an interest. If you’re male, for example, you are supposed to like “manly” things. If you don’t, many people will judge you. The harshness of their judgment is largely dependent on where you live and when. Heaven forfend you should have a partiality for using cuticle oil, or some other emasculating habit.

Like most of us, I like some “female” things and some things that are considered masculine. Computer games are male territory, and, like all-male golf clubs, there is a type of man who would like to place his sign outside the treehouse: “No gurlz allowd. Keep oot.”

I loved games as a child. My brother and I would sit cross-legged on the floor and battle it out as supernatural ninjas, or race cars until the virtual fight would turn to real-life fisticuffs, and we’d be turfed out into the back garden by our mother until we had “found our manners”.

I continued to love games into my early teens, but then I started to become more aware of gender and to feel uncomfortable. If you open the app store in your smartphone and look at the description of the majority of tactical or strategy games (the ones that should give the intellect a bit of stimulation), you will see wave after wave of semi-nude female characters, standing in front of backgrounds featuring scenes or elements from the game. The message seems to be: “Breasts! Now we’ve got your attention, please buy this game.”

Gamergate scandal

The Gamergate scandal in 2014 came about originally when the ex-boyfriend of game developer Zoe Quinn accused her of obtaining positive reviews from journalists for her game Depression Quest by corrupt means. Gamers started to discuss this alleged corruption on social media. It very quickly morphed into a concerted campaign of misogynistic bullying and abuse, aimed at female game developers and journalists. Male journalists who echoed the criticisms of their female colleagues were mostly left alone. Many male gamers were enraged by women pointing out the gender inequality portrayed in many popular games at the time, and they went on Twitter to threaten these women with violence, rape and death. Zoe Quinn received so many death threats that she fled her home.

In my younger days, I recall being in someone's home where an earlier version of the Grand Theft Auto series of games was being played. I watched a teenage boy use his character in the game to have sex with a prostitute and then rob and kill her. The room of boys lauded him for this, strangled whoops issuing from their larynxes. I felt a quickening sense of disgust.

Most games are made by men and marketed to men and boys. The idea that having a half-naked girl on the packaging might put off potential female gamers doesn’t compute. The constant bombardment of images of dumb, slack-jawed women in various states of undress put me off gaming for a long time.

I have several male friends who are devoted gamers and don't enjoy the gender stereotyping. One dons a headset once a week, and, looking like he runs an at-home call centre, turns on his computer and plays a game called DotA with other friends in various countries. They work as a team to achieve whatever objective they have set, and they rain good- natured insults at one another from their remote locations.

It’s a great way of maintaining long-distance friendships and topping up the bond between (generally male) friends.

Many couples watch a mutually beloved box set in their downtime. It’s one of those wonderfully indolent hobbies that transcends gender. Serious altercations will occur at the mere whiff of suspicion that the other person has watched ahead without you, and you will usually find that you’ve melted small quantities of chocolate into your trousers.

Long-distance gaming

In a long-distance relationship, that warmth is harder to manufacture. You don’t have the other person’s presence to comfort you, which can make feeling close more challenging.

My partner, a long-standing gaming nerd, proposed last week (don't get excited) that we play a computer game together from our respective homes. He suggested Baldur's Gate, first released in 1998, which has been reworked to allow it to function on more modern machines. "You'll like this one," he said. "There's hardly any gender nonsense and we can go on adventures."

This was said with such innocent positivity that I couldn’t refuse, despite turning my nose up at the slightly cumbersome look of the game and feeling quite above adventures.

It’s tremendous fun. The game allows fluidity of gender, so I create a character who looks female but has a deeply masculine accent. I shoot fire out of my hands, and I accidentally bring about my own death four times, and it’s funny.

This is reconnecting with something very positive from the past that, somehow, along the way, became tainted. There will always be games that portray women as parking spaces. But I’m not playing those.

The Yes Woman says yes to . . .Baldur's Gate and no to . . . Gamergate