Grande Caffè Americano
Scene:International Coffee Franchise Day
Me:Hello. Can I have a cup of coffee please? (Short digression during which Barista and I attempt to figure out what I might mean by "cup of coffee".)
Barista:Certainly, sir. One Caffè Americano. And what mug size, sir?
Me:Ordinary size will do fine.
Barista:Tall, sir? Grande? Venti?
Me:Maybe something with a handle?
In an article entitled Euphemism and American Violencepublished earlier this year in the New York Review of Books, Prof David Bromwich of Yale University analysed the US army's use of euphemism as a propaganda tool in the Iraq War. The article basically demonstrated how successfully the US military managed to manipulate the terminology the media used in reporting the conflict.
Right from the outset, there was "regime change" instead of war of aggression; "enhanced interrogation" instead of torture; "contractors" instead of mercenaries; and most recently "surge" instead of escalation. Euphemism thus became one of the primary means by which the American public was shielded from the harsh truths behind the bland sound bites their leaders offered. All of which brings me, by a circuitous route, to my local Starbucks. This might not come as news to most people, but they've really taken this euphemism trend to the next level here. I'm talking about their portion sizes, of course. You see, these days small, medium and large are considered pejorative terms, since they appear to imply something to do with relative volume. Instead Starbucks offer us Tall, Grande and Venti. Subtle manipulation of words is one thing, but these seem almost wilfully perverse.
Just to explain things: the smallest cup size available here is Tall. (Tall relative to what then? The diameter of the cup?) Grande, meanwhile, sounds as though it should mean large, but in fact translates to medium. Finally there's Venti, which isn't even a real word. There's just no way I'm going along with this. "I would like an orthodox cup of coffee," I tell the cashier. "With milk present, but not exceeding 10 per cent of total content."
"Yes sir, Caffè Americano. What size?"
"Ordinary."
"Our sizes are Tall, Grande and Vendi." "I'll take it in a conventionally sized receptacle." There's some grumbling in the queue behind me. "Medium then."
"Yes sir, Grande Caffè Americano . . .to go. Next!"
Eoin Butler