Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘These are going to be our Family Date Nights’

'This is lovely, isn't it?" Sorcha goes. She means this – as in, like, us sitting around as a family?

It’s not, by the way. It’s a complete nightmare.

One of Sorcha’s New Year’s resolutions was to get rid of the wifi and the TV to force us to actually talk to each other – forgetting, of course, that we might not actually like each other. As Honor always says, “We get to pick our friends, but we’re lumbered with our family.”

She can be very deep.

The three of us are literally just sitting around the living-room, looking at each other. “So come on,” Sorcha goes, grinning like a chimp with lockjaw, “let’s all talk.”

I’m there, “About what, though? What specifically?”

“About stuff. Keeva from my book club said they got rid of their TV and went totally offline and they’ve ended up having – oh, my God! – amazing, amazing conversations. She said this incredible thing at the last book club meeting. She said, ‘All the information we need is available in books – and other people.’”

“She sounds like a sap,” Honor goes.

"She's not a sap, Honor. I think it's an amazing quote. She said that she and her husband have connected in a whole new way with Ruadhán, Dubhlainn and Bradán since they started actually communicating with each other? Instead of sitting there in the evenings with their devices in their hands. Do you know what they did one evening last summer? They went out as a family and picked gooseberries, from which they made actual gooseberry preserve!"

“Her kids are going to grow up to hate her. None of them will be at her funeral.”

"And having no television or internet has also allowed her to reread everything that Toni Morrison has ever written. I must reread everything Toni Morrison has ever written."

I’m like, “How long have we been sitting here?”

Sorcha goes, “Ten minutes.”

“I think I’ll go to bed.”

"You're not going to bed. It's only seven o'clock in the evening. I told you, we're going to spend some quality time together. These are going be our Family Date Nights! So come on, let's all get on the same page as each other – what's happening in your lives? What did you both do today?"

I'm there, "Well, I spent about an hour taking notes about the Six Nations in my famous Tactics Books. I think Scotland could possibly be the surprise package of the tournament. I think they'll actually do England in their first match."

Honor goes, "I pushed Miren Mangan down the stairs at school. Not the big stairs, Mom, before you stort getting all judgy. It was only, like, four steps?"

"I still fancy Ireland to win, although a lot depends on injuries and obviously form. I think that's what the World Cup showed us. Even though we've more strength in depth than we possibly did before, we're still dependent on five or six key goys. That'd be my analysis."

"She said my teeth were like broken crockery and my hair looked like three-day-old spaghetti. So I gave her a shove in the back when we were coming out of Furniture Restoration class. Oh my God, it was so funny to see her flying through the air. It was, like, a total lollercaust!"

"Did I mention to you that I'm back in the gym? I could tell you what I'm bench-pressing but you'd probably stort worrying about me making a comeback! Actually, Seapoint are apparently looking for players. Okay, I'm not as young as I was five or six years ago, but I reckon I could still do a job in Division 2B of the All Ireland League. "

"Oh my God, Kai Balfe – as in, like, Suzanne Balfe's brother, from Drama – was crying because One Dimension broke up. He was like, 'They're not breaking up – they're just taking some time out.' And I was there, 'They're just saying that because they know saps like you couldn't handle the truth. Face it – your childhood is over.'"

"One thing I'm definitely going to have to be careful of is obviously aggravating my old rotator cuff injury. Although I've got this personal trainer – a good goy, went to Clongowes, but still knows his stuff – and he reckons it's just about strengthening my mid and upper back. I did this thing today where you sit at the lat pull-down and do just, like, straight orm pulls? But you pull down just the shoulder blades and not the actual orms themselves. I'm not sure I'm explaining it right. Here, I'll show you what it looks like . . ."

“So then Kai’s mum came up to me after Drama and she was all, ‘My son is upset!’ and I was like, ‘Your son’s emotional wellbeing is your responsibility, not mine. I can’t help it if you and your husband have decided to raise him as a girl.’ Oh! My God! You should have seen her face!”

"I can definitely already feel the benefit in my lower traps. Hang on, let me pull up my top here. Have a look. Okay, this is me not flexing, bear in mind. God, I wonder are Seapoint actually training tonight?"

“Anyway, you’re probably going to get a call from the woman – I’m talking about Kai’s mother. I said a bunch of other stuff to her. Called her some names just to see her reaction. And then another mother’s probably going to ring you as well, but that’s about something totally different. Let’s just say her daughter’s schoolbag got a little bit burned.”

“Okay, everyone, check this out . . . Flexing . . . Not flexing . . . Flexing . . . Not flexing . . . Flexing . . . Not flexing.”

Sorcha suddenly stands up. She goes, “Excuse me for a minute.”

And as soon as she leaves the room, me and Honor exchange a little smile. I hang five in the air for her and the girl obliges.

High-five!

Then, 10 seconds later, Sorcha arrives back into the room, carrying – I’m relieved to see – the television.

ILLUSTRATION: ALAN CLARKE