Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuff

Sorcha's invited her friend Lauren and her kid, little Ross jnr around, to watch the Late Late Toy Show with Pang – I suppose you could call it, like, a play date?

Little Ross shows up in an Anna from Frozen costume, singing Do You Want to Build a Snowman? and Pang looks at me and goes, "Okay, what's this kid's deal?"

I give her a little, tight shake of my head, just to tell her not to go there. Lauren's sensitive about people mocking her son over his obsession with Frozen over, oh, let's just say, rugby, so I go, "Come on, everyone, let's stick the telly on."

God, I love the Late Late Toy Show!

"What actually is this programme?" Pang goes.

I laugh. She's from, like, China – she's not going to know.

I'm there, "We sit down with Honor to watch it every year. It's one of her Christmas traditions, along with tripping up drunks at midnight Mass and laughing at the ginger kid in Love Actually."

God, I suddenly miss my daughter even more.

“Ginger kids suck,” Pang goes and I end up having to laugh.

I’m like, “You sounded just like her there.”

Then I catch Lauren glowering at me. I forgot that Ross jnr’s hair is kind of reddish.

I clap my hands together. I’m like, “Okay, game time!” as the first toys are brought on and Sorcha arrives into the room with a humungous bowl of popcorn.

“Oh,” Lauren goes, “I’m not sure if this little guy can eat microwave popcorn. Does it contain dairy and soy, do you know?”

I hate people who present you with their food allergies like they're somehow your problem to solve? And whatever happened to the reply: "Tough luck – more for us normal people"?

Sorcha doesn't say that, though. She goes rooting through the bin to find the packaging so she can check the ingredients. It turns out that it does contain whatever the kid's allergic to, so little Ross ends up eating – I kid you not – a bowl of raw broccoli instead, horsing it into him like a Derby winner.

Pang looks at Lauren and goes, “You know most food intolerances are just attention-seeking behaviour?”

I actually laugh, roysh, because I've always kind of thought the same thing – except I've obviously never had the guts to say it out loud?

Lauren's like, "Excuse me?"

She goes, “In my country, there are no food intolerances. If you’re intolerant to something, you eat it until your body accepts it. You are pandering to the boy.”

Pang takes out her cigarettes. Lauren’s eyes widen.

I’m there, “It’s definitely something for us all to think about, Lauren. There’s a lot of allergies out there all of a sudden. Most people have to be making them up.”

Pang puts a cigarette into her mouth, but she doesn’t light it. We’ve stopped her smoking indoors, but I think just holding a cigarette helps with her cravings.

The first set of Billie Barry kids come on and they do their thing. Pang's like, "So what's Christmas anyway?"

I’m like, “Seriously?”

She’s there, “We don’t have Christmas in my country.”

I’m like, “That’s so random. Well, I’ll teach you all about Christmas, just like you’ve taught us a lot here today about food intolerances. Basically, Christmas is a time of year when, er… you get loads of stuff.”

She goes, “I get loads of stuff every day.”

I end up having to laugh. The innocence of children.

“Well, at Christmas,” I go, “you get double.”

She’s like, “Why?”

“Because it’s the day that Christ was born – as in, like, Jesus?”

Pang nods. I really should have been a teacher. I have a genuine gift for this kind of stuff.

Except Lauren has to stick her beak in then. She puts her hands over Ross jnr's ears – I'm not making this up – and goes, "Okay, can you not do that in front of my son?"

I’m like, “What are you talking about?” wondering did I accidentally drop an F-bomb – as has been known to happen from time to time!

“Talking about Jesus,” she goes. “My son is an agnostic.”

I’m like, “Okay, what are they allergic to?”

Pang laughs. She’s growing on me – I’m going to have to admit that.

Sorcha goes, “I think what Lauren is trying to say, Ross, is that her son isn’t being brought up in the Christian faith.”

Lauren’s there, “Well, I’m not a believer myself and it would be hypocritical of me to foist a whole set of beliefs onto him that I don’t actually subscribe to myself.

“We decided we’d keep him from it – we got him into that nondenominational school in Goatstown, by the way – and let him make up his own mind when he’s old enough.”

I’m not having that.

I’m there, “You can’t have Christmas without Jesus. He was the one who storted the whole thing. I’ll tell you the story of the first Christmas, Pang – it’s the Greatest Story Ever Told.”

Lauren’s like, “Not in front of my son, you won’t.”

Something suddenly occurs to me.

I go, “Okay, I’m presuming he believes in Santa Claus?”

She goes, “Of course be believes in Santa Claus!”

“But he doesn’t believe in Jesus?”

“He’s not of any faith, no.”

"So he thinks Silent Night is made up but Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer really happened?"

“What’s your point, Ross?”

“My point is that you’ve got yourself in a bit of a muddle there, Lauren.”

She lets me have it then. She’s like, “I’m not going to take parenting advice from you – of all people.”

I’m there, “What does that mean?”

“How long has Pang lived with you? Seven weeks? I can’t be the only one who’s noticed that she’s turned out exactly the same as Honor.”

“That’s not down to me,” I try to go. “She was actually worse when she got here. Weren’t you, Pang?”

Pang nods. She’s like, “Way worse!”

“The cheek of you,” Lauren goes, “telling anybody the correct way to raise children.”

“I don’t have to sit here and listen to this,” I go. “Come on, Pang, let’s go outside and smoke that cigarette and I’ll tell the story of the Nativity.”

ILLUSTRATION: ALAN CLARKE