Patrick Logue: Proper cursing can be therapeutic – I swear

Cursing is one of the greatest joys of life. I’ve tried tofu cursing but, like a fake Christmas tree, it doesn’t give you the same hit. It’s candy to chocolate, laminate to solid-wood flooring, plastic to leather.

I have tried jeepers, sugar, flipping heck, feck’s sake, for crying out loud and the rest of them, but they have left me a bit ticked-off. There’s nothing for it but to stick to real swear words.

As long as you are not using it as a tool of aggression or in front of small children, or if you are not a small child yourself, cursing can be cathartic and stress-relieving in the right situations. I absolutely flipping love it, to put it far too mildly.

What’s more, a recent study, reported widely, found that far from cursing being a sign of a poor vocabulary, it can be a sign of a better repertoire of vocabulary. As top brain and wit Stephen Fry put it one time: “The sort of twee person who thinks swearing is in any way a sign of a lack of education or a lack of verbal interest is just a f***ing lunatic.” Well f***ing said, sir.

Philosophical debate

A friend, a doctor of philosophy no less, who moved to the UK about 20 years ago, reported that, owing to strange, disapproving stares, he had to curb his cursing ways when he got off the flight and felt it necessary to catch up once on Irish soil and in the correct company. So, you have to be careful and know your audience. But there are occasions that really do call for a good old swear.

When you stub your toe, for example. Everybody knows that the speed at which the pain leaves that toe is directly related to how much you shout out a proper, fully formed F-word. Tripping over the dog, too, but to a lesser extent. You can curse at him but he has probably already forgiven you for your mistake with his big brown eyes, so that’s a difficult one.

There are other occasions: when you pick up a really hot boiled potato from the bowl in the middle of the table; when you eat ice cream too fast and your head feels like it will explode; when the car blings on the yellow low-fuel warning miles from home in the middle of the night; when you're pretending to be Robert De Niro; or Uma Thurman in the opening scene of Pulp Fiction.

Cursing is also acceptable when you are singing GMF by John Grant or Creep by Radiohead (you're so very special? come on); when you've had a few pints or are in any drinking establishment; when you work in a newspaper; when you realise you have missed the last train home or, after a few pints, you are on the last train home but you have missed your stop.

Steep descent

When you’re on a roller coaster, it is good to swear in the middle of the steep descent. Swearing is also necessary when the bank machine tells you “insufficient funds”. On this occasion you might have to curse silently or postpone the curse and then calmly pretend in front of the queue to be just checking your balance or claim the machine doesn’t work.

Watching football on the telly might require a good cathartic curse or two. Or if a motorist cuts you up on a corner. Actually, any road-rage incident requires some cursing to help you get over the apoplectic state of mind. Just make sure you don’t know the person in the other car, or that they aren’t a plain-clothes garda, before you deploy the finger or lip-sync your favourite curse word. If you speak in an accent from any of the following counties – Louth, Meath, Cavan or Monaghan – swear words work really well.

There are, of course, occasions when you should never curse. Children should never curse, even if their parents do. Kids: fear not, your time will come. Don’t ever swear in a place of worship or on school grounds during or after school hours. Live radio: don’t do it. Don’t curse in front of your teacher, mother or grandmother; you will shatter their illusions of you. Don’t curse at underage children’s referees or at kids’ birthday parties or on any occasion in front of other people’s children. Not okay. Keep your swear words to yourself even if you are frustrated at children on the field of play.

If you’re in the Dáil, it’s not a good idea to swear unless you want to make career-defining impact. Looking at you, Paul Gogarty, looking at you. It is worth googling this one, swear fans.

• Michael Harding is on leave