If it came from the sea, it’s not going in my mouth

Seafood enthusiasts are a bit like cyclists: doggedly self-assured and smug about themselves. It’s their way or the culinary highway. All non-believers watch out.

I know one fish lover who is only happy when he is self-righteously ripping the head off a sea insect or arrogantly dismembering a crustacean that has recently been boiled to death with its claws taped closed. The same man sometimes loves to wolf down several packets of Tayto for lunch in between disparaging those who don’t like seafood. You know I know who you are.

My better half has made it her life’s work to get me to eat fish bodies and slimy matter from shells. Despite having known me for 20 years, in a restaurant she will still badger me to “try just a little bit”, pushing lumps of stinking sea flesh towards my mouth in the hope that I will decide to partake. She claims to have one time notched up a small but significant victory by tricking me into eating a fish product by telling me it was a chicken goujon. I would know if I had eaten fish.

There was one time that I did eat fish and lived to tell the scéal. It was a dinner party in a friend's house. Bowls of "lovely" prawns dripping in garlic butter were served up as a starter. They were on the table before I could plead. The horror of it: I was tied to the tracks as a fish-laden train bore down on me. Herself gave me that knowing glance across the table, partly sympathetic, partly delighted at my predicament, as I wrapped the seafood in thick slices of white bread and swallowed. I was a Jack Russell taking a worm pill. Thank God the prawns had had their bits pulled off prior to serving and the garlic oil was enough to mask what was happening.

Pity and condescension

I should really have given my dinner hosts the heads up, but it’s not an easy thing to do. The reaction of fish eaters when you break the news to them that you are not a fan is generally a mixture of pity and condescension.

“Would you like some sea snail or eel, Paddy?”

“No, thanks, I don’t eat seafood. Thanks anyway”.

“You don’t eat fish?”

“No, don’t like it. Thanks though.”

“You don’t eat any at all? No seafood at all?

“No, none at all.”

"That's a pity. And Ireland is surrounded by fish. Did you know that Ireland is surrounded by fish?"

Yes, surrounded by fish that I could simply pluck from the sea if I was hungry. It still makes me retch when put in front of me at dinner time.

I am pretty sure I have never once heard a vegetarian quizzed in such a fashion about their culinary preferences. Can you imagine?

“You don’t eat any meat at all?”

“No, I’m a vegetarian”.

“And you don’t eat any meat at all, at all, at all?”

“No, as I said, I’m a vegetarian. I do eat lots of vegetables, nuts, fruit and the like, green salad, but no meat. As I already said, I’m a vegetarian. Like Morrissey.”

“But the country is littered with meat-yielding mammals and birds and you don’t eat meat?; There are cows and sheep at every turn. You can see ducks regularly flying past. And chickens: you could just pick one of them up and eat it.”

Of course you would never hear this said as vegetarians have over time been granted saintly status. Generally, vegetarians are met with a mix of praise, admiration and quizzical amusement.

“Ooooo, you’re a vegetarian. Wow. How long have you been a vegetarian? I couldn’t give up sausages or bacon. I’d miss my fillet steak. Fair play to you.” The beatification process begins the moment you announce to a room that you are a vegetarian. Vegans go straight to heaven.

The stench moved through the room

The issue of fish came to a head recently in the office. It was lunchtime and a fish lover had placed an item in the microwave in the kitchen. Slowly, but in a determined fashion, the stench moved through the room and sparked one member of staff, not me, to demand the person responsible reveal themselves. The message was clear: cease and desist. The fish lovers laughed and the “offender” protested that she was, after all, just heating up her lunch. Fair enough, the fish haters are a grumpy lot.

It would be nice to like seafood and I have encouraged my offspring to partake as the health benefits are proven. But I have warned them to respect non-believers.

Me, I am not for turning but I do make sure that tablets of cod-liver oil are always nearby. They are good for your hair and skin apparently and, you know, that skin needs to be thick if you are not a fish lover.