Well, when you put it like that . . .

Surveying the surveyorsI'm sorry about this. Really, I am. I know that a mere two weeks ago I used this tiny corner of glee to dismiss the survey as the last bastion of the indolent journalistic shyster. And then, as is my wont, I proceeded to wrangle a few inches of bilious finger-pointing ridicule out of one of the very things I'd derided. And here I am at it again. Ah well.

I won't be upset if you flick to another, more interesting article. Latest statistics suggest 38 per cent of people will do just that. For those of you willing to stay the course, rest assured that this is actually a worthwhile example from the world of pointless surveydom.

Although it exposes the Irish motoring population - present company excepted, of course - as a snide, self-serving, law-breaking shower of gobdaws, contained in its admissions of deviance and debauchery are small grains of hope for the future. Or do mine eyes deceive me?

For, despite the fact that the survey reported that one in 10 people admit that they still drink and drive, 56 per cent of people speed, 40 per cent use their phones while driving, and a lunatic fifth of all motorists still don't buckle up, the figures are actually down on a similar survey carried out last year.

This, according to Noel Brett of the Road Safety Authority, was "cause for optimism". Hmm. I'm a bit sceptical. Quelle surprise.

I reckon the gardaí and RSA and government needn't get too excited just yet.

The problem with surveys is you can't rely on anybody to tell the truth. We live in an era of fear propagated by those keen to keep us, the great unwashed, subjugated and paralysed by terror. Al-Qaeda bogeymen, the War on Terror, scare stories about plagues of immigrants, predictions of stock market crashes and property bubble bursts and whatever yer having yerself. All ploys designed to instill the aul' fear of God into us. No wonder people are suspicious of survey-takers. Who knows who they are working for?

This particular study was carried out on behalf of the Irish Insurance Federation. Which begs the question - what nutjob is going to voluntarily disclose to an insurance company that they are fond of getting hammered drunk, hopping into their car and driving home at double the speed limit while texting the location of Garda patrols to their mates?

I've no doubt the market researchers responsible assured the respondents anonymity, and didn't divulge the fact they were exposing their secrets to the insurance industry, but don't you think there's a slight chance the questionees tempered their answers anyway, just to be on the safe side?

For example, 10 per cent of people said they still drink and drive. I'd take that figure with a pinch of the proverbial. Don't agree? So what are all those cars doing parked outside pubs every night? Are their owners all in there skulling buckets of lemonade and doing their knitting? Don't be daft.

If that 10 per cent is true, and a huge chunk of the remaining 90 per cent aren't lying through their stout-stained teeth, then I'm Mahatma Gandhi's favourite arms dealer. They're lying not just out of unwillingness to grass themselves up to the authorities, but because of the social stigma. Admitting to drink driving these days is on a par with conceding you share certain sexual peccadilloes with Gary Glitter.

As for the mere 56 per cent who admit to speeding - nonsense. Everyone speeds. Be honest. You do too. You don't have to be doing 140km/h around a creche playground to be branded a speeder. Ever drifted absentmindedly a tad over 50km/h in an urban area? That's speeding too. Show me a man who hasn't done 90km/h in one of those random 80km/h stretches on empty dual carriageways, and I'll show you a cyclist.

My advice to the gardaí, RSA et al - don't give up the day job just yet. What's that you say, lads? You have an itchy sensation around your brow? Don't worry. That's just the wool being pulled over your eyes.