Ways to avoid my rail rage

REARVIEW:Some weeks ago I used this corner of mirth to sketch out a few of the habits of my fellow train commuters that threaten to send me over the edge.

Sadly, my tormentors are persisting with their heinous behaviour. Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear when I promised to wreak great vengeance. I would therefore like to take this opportunity to drill home my commitment to ultraviolence and to add to the list of things that could put you on a collision course with my wrath.

First, desist from spluttering your breakfast all over me. If I want some of your food, I’ll simply grab it from your fat little hands, thanks very much.

Second, it is not acceptable to watch animated Japanese rape porn on your iPad on a packed train. Just because it’s a cartoon, doesn’t mean it’s not obnoxious. You know who you are.

Third, the tinnitus-inducing noise coming from your rubbish headphones would drive even the sanest man to bloodshed. And I am not the sanest of men.

Similarly, singing is off-limits. You're on public transport, not The X Factor. You do not have pipes like Adele's, Louis Walsh is not sitting three rows up and you are not about to be discovered. In fact, you sound like a wounded badger who needs to be put out if its misery. Don't tempt me.

I’m not unreasonable. Obey my few demands and we’ll get on just fine. Disobey and you will find yourself strapped to the front of the 7.30am Maynooth-Connolly train, catching flies with your face. I think that’s fair enough.

Thanks for listening. I do believe this is where I get off.