Terminal MADness

Emissions: I'm none-too-impressed at London's police, so I'm not. Why am I miffed? Because they've given in. No backbone, these people.

They've bowed to pressure from the disgruntled inhabitants of said grimy conurbation and decided to take down a quarter of their speed cameras. The climbdown is already being claimed as a victory by the Motorists Against Detection (MAD), a collection of 200 or so self-styled freedom fighters, led by the elusive Captain Gatso.

For those of you unfamiliar with these hooligans, they are loosely affiliated bunch engaged in a campaign of destruction of Britain's 5,000 speed cameras. Around 700 have been vandalised over the past two years. They've been torched, shot at, dynamited, dragged down with cables, felled with angle grinders and blown up with home-made explosives.

The proud saboteurs have even set up websites on which they display photos of their latest handiwork. To give them their due, they're pretty diligent in their work - one camera in Milton Keynes was decapitated with a blowtorch a mere four hours after being installed as a replacement for its mangled predecessor. These fools actually believe they're performing a valuable service for the poor motorists of Britain. Their Robin Hood complexes ablaze, they claim widespread support from a public livid at getting caught by the things.

Believe or believe it not, but Britain has the lowest number of fatalities per head of population of any European Union country. Ireland rates somewhere in the middle of the death list, which I suppose is either a good or a bad result, depending whether you see half-empty or half-full glasses.

And why are British roads so (relatively) safe?

Because British cops bust people constantly.

Over 1.5 million law-breakers got nicked there last year by a combination of cameras and police patrols.

But MAD argue that rather than erecting cameras to save lives, the authorities are motivated by a lust for hard cash. Captain Gatso, sporting a leotard and Tony Blair mask, defended himself robustly in a recent interview. He says he's not against cameras in urban areas, but intends to knock out as many on trunk roads and motorways as possible.

"One person asked me how I would feel if her child was knocked over on a road where we had put the speed camera out of action," he ranted. "But I said to her that her child wouldn't be running across the middle of a motorway."

The British police, if they really want to get their own back on this clown, should find his car and rip out all the locks before towing it off to some joyracing blackspot estate on the outskirts of whatever grubby town he lives in. Then they should go to his house and remove all the doors and windows and leave it open to all and sundry to do with as they will. Isn't that what he 's trying to do with the roads?

Don't like getting caught speeding? Don't speed.

In case any of you are considering embarking on your own mission to destroy Ireland's speed cameras, I've one thing to say: Good luck finding one.

We've only got about eight working cameras in the whole country. Did I mention we were middle of the EU deaths table? That glass is looking half-empty to me . . .