Privatising privations

- Bertie?

- Jaysus, Cullen, how often have I told ye it's Mr Ahern? Anyway, what ye doing here? I though' I told ye to stand in the corner.

- Sorry Mr Ahern, you did. But it's been months now, and I've been very good. Not a peep out of me.

- I suppose so. Have ye learned yer lesson?

- Is it: 'Whatever you do, don't get caught'?

- Dat's de one, Cullen, dat's de one. Learn from de master. Now what is it ye want?

- I want to make an announcement. Brennan used to make one every week, his head was never out of the papers. I'm drowning here for lack of exposure."

- Oh, alrigh' den. But ye'd better make it a good one. Or de dunce hat goes back on. Do I make meself clear?

- Crystal, Mr Ahern, crystal.

- Is dat a Waterford joke? Don't push it Cullen, I'm warning ye.

- Sorry, Boss, sorry. I'm going to privatise something.

- Good man, dat's wha' I like to hear. Youse PDs are great for the aul' privatisin', I'll give yis that.

- But I'm not a (Thinks about it, lets it lie.)

And so it came to pass. The Great Leader had spoken.

Cullen shuffled back out into the big bad world, pumped up his little chest and had it leaked that he was to privatise driver testing. And we all loved him again. This politics thing is a doddle, isn't it? he thought to himself.

Hmm. Perhaps not. This L-plated cynic, for one, is not convinced.

As it stands, the Irish driving test is a joke. Does being able drive to a formula at 50km/h on urban streets automatically mean you are a competent driver?

How can you gauge someone's ability to drive safely on the open road by watching them do three-point turns in deserted cul-de-sacs, reverse around corners, do hillstarts on empty roads and tootle along in afternoon traffic?

People don't crash and die pottering around suburban housing estates with someone watching their every move. People die hurtling along back roads at midnight in a storm. People die overtaking in stupid places at 140 km/h.

But are they tested for their ability to anticipate hazards in the distance while belting down a motorway? Are they tested for their skills in driving in the dark, in the rain?

Of course not. That would take too long, cost too much money.

And now the Government solution to the problem of waiting lists is to privatise testing. It's typical - another short-term solution for political brownie points: The long lists look bad, best cut them before anyone mentions the real issue, namely the need to completely overhaul testing procedures. Their concern is not with improving road safety, but in improving their poll ratings.

Of course, these private firms won't be doing it for the good of the country. They'll be doing it for cash. And how do they make cash? Churn out as many driving tests as possible. Maybe they'll even get bonuses for high pass rates. Maybe they won't. I'm guessing the former.

And what happens when the lists are cut to politically-acceptable levels? What'll the privateers do when the finite pit of untested drivers begins to look empty, when Golden Goose starts looking a bit menopausal? Well they could start failing people, just to keep themselves in work.

Learner drivers are typically attacked for being over-confident, for thinking they are better drivers than they actually are and driving accordingly. It's often true. But it's often no truer of learners than it is of those with full licences.

As one canny contributor to The Irish Times Letters page last week suggested, once the backlog is cleared, the private testers should be retained to begin the process of re-testing all drivers - yes, all drivers - every five years. Keep 'em on their toes.

That'll knock the smug smiles off your faces as you leer at my L-plates, won't it?