Lies, damned lies, and surveys

August is a great time for surveys. PR companies churn them out at this time of year, knowing full well news editors will publish any old guff in the lean time, while the great and the good are off enjoying their gains - ill-gotten or otherwise - in far off climes. And Kerry.

We get a lot of them in Motors. Insipid, flimsy stuff, by and large.

I mean, who really cares if Hungarians own more brown cars per capita than the rest of their EU cousins, or that Polish motorists' favourite snack behind the wheel is cheese? And does it really matter that the average Swede drives 11km a year more than his Finnish neighbours? And is more likely to be watching DVDs of Bruce Willis movies than documentaries on illegal Outer Mongolian toad-baiting rings while doing it?

What's worse, because they're vomited up by PR firms on behalf of clients, the vast majority of survey findings are as transparent as a politician's smiles. You know the type: "Forty-six million people surveyed said they thought Paddy Mac's car sales gave better value for money and superior service than Mickey Mac's down the road," said a survey by B & O Gus statisticians, conducted on behalf of Paddy Mac's quality cars.

Some hacks seem to make a living from rehashing surveys. To my shame, I've been guilty of it myself on the rare occasion I can't find anyone to rant about. I say shame because the survey is the last recourse of the lazy shyster.

With that in mind, here's one I dug out for your delectation.

Released by the Northumbria Safety Camera Partnership a few years back, but only rescued from my hard-drive last night during a frantic search for a topic, it's the top rubbish excuses used by motorists when caught speeding.

In no particular order:

1. "I passed out at the wheel due to flashing lights from a UFO";

2. "A jet passing overhead triggered the speed camera, not my car";

3. "I was rushing to the toilet because I had a severe bout of diarrhoea";

4. "My friend had just chopped his fingers off, and I was rushing them to hospital";

5. "The vibrations from the surfboard I had on the roof rack set off the camera";

6. "I had to rush my dying hamster to the vet";

7. "I sneezed violently and involuntarily pressed the accelerator";

8. "The only way I could demonstrate my faulty clutch was to accelerate madly".

All the above, other than possibly the fifth, which I may try one day, are pitiful. Hopefully, the lunatics who spouted them have been sent to stand in the corner, and think about what they just said.

I have a better one: "I was trying to catch (insert random Minister's name here) in his/her limo to commend him/her on what a great job he/she and his/her colleagues were doing and explain to him/her how my family and I slept soundly in our beds, secure in the knowledge our future is in good hands." Too implausible? Fair enough.

How about this one: "Some guy tore past me in a pimped-out Renault Clio, and I was just trying to catch up so I could correctly measure his speed before reporting him to you. You wouldn't bust me for doing my civic duty, would you?"

Good, isn't it? Our survey said 17 per cent of people who used it got away with it. The whereabouts of the other 83 per cent are unknown.

PS: To the joker who scrunched a flyer for a Monaghan scrapyard under the windscreen wiper of my poor vintage beemer as she lay broken down on the side of a muddy Louth road a while back, here's a survey for you: 76 per cent of me thinks you are a vindictive, heartless idiot.

The other 24 per cent quite likes your style.