Presumably you've all heard by now of the sale of Pope Benedict's old car on eBay, asks Kilian Doyle
Said vehicle, a 1999 VW Golf in mint condition with 75,000 kilometres on the clock, is said to "run like heaven" - which is evidently a used car salesman's euphemism meaning white rather than black smoke comes out of the exhaust pipe.
It went for a staggering €188,938, which is a tidy sum considering the seller, 21-year-old Benjamin Halbe, bought the car for under €10,000 back in January when the Pope was still plain old ordinary fallible Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger.
But the ingrate Halbe is apparently unsatisfied with his manna from heaven - he's complained to eBay that many potential bidders were blocked from bidding at the last minute. He's engaged a legal firm to look into it. It was inevitable the devil would get involved somehow.
The thwarted coveters of the papal seat are probably thanking whatever god they pray to at this stage - Ratzinger probably never drove the car at all. The fact he has been living in the Vatican for the past two decades appear to have slipped under the radar of the 277 who did bid. And the small matter of him not having a driving licence might have been a bit of a giveaway to anyone who bothered checking.
The eventual buyer was the Golden Palace Casino in Las Vegas, which is already the proud owner of a toasted cheese sandwich that supposedly looks like the Virgin Mary and a roast chicken breast "resembling" John Paul II. Not to mention Britney Spears's pregnancy test, which shows you what a classy operation it is.
They're now displaying the car on a tour of Germany, although it's been covered with tacky stickers. It's an ignoble end for a car that was made famous by the presence (or non-presence) of a truly noble end on its driver's seat.
I was reminded of that Volkswagen television ad showing an array of tearful Golfs, distraught at the silly modifications their owner had inflicted on them. This particular specimen must be crying salt tears at this very moment. Aw, bless. . .
Halbe isn't the only chap looking to make a quick buck from Papal vehicles. A British collector has emerged with a six-wheeled modified Range Rover, complete with bullet- and blast-proof windows, that was used by John Paul on a trip to Scotland in 1982. He's hoping to get €1.4 million on eBay for it.
The plexiglass is a puzzlement. To paraphrase the late, great, Bill Hicks, three feet of bullet-proof glass is hardly a good example to the minions of faith in action, is it?
Another chap, an American this time, reckons he has the only car John Paul ever personally owned - a 1975 Ford Escort. The Indiana auctioneer selling it, Dean Kruse, has valued it at around €4 million.
Kruse said a Vatican official told him the pontiff "loved to sneak out dressed in commoner clothes and take hikes and slip away in this car." Which is nice. Makes the Pope seem more human, doesn't it?
Even more so when you consider the stark contrast with the mode of transport owned by Pope Pius XI, who had - wait for it - a gold-plated Citroën C6. It is still extant, with a whopping 156 kilometres on the clock. (Yes, you did read correctly - gold-plated. When you lovely people were throwing your hard-earned coppers into the collection plate in the 1930s, thinking in your innocence and decency that they were going to help the starving or fund missionaries, they were in fact going towards paying for an ostentatious display of wealth worthy of Caligula.)
Anyway, did I tell you I have the fossilised dropping of a donkey that may or may not have carried Saint Peter through Turkey 2000 years ago? Honest, it's genuine. A fella sold it to me in Ankara, swore on my grave it was legit. He had the photos to prove it and everything.
I'm planning to put it on eBay next week. That said, any reasonable offers (in the region of €86 million) received prior to then will be considered.