A new theory published by a boffin from the London School of Economics has suggested the human race may be in the process of slowly splitting into two separate sub-species, writes Kilian Doyle
Evolutionary psychologist - I know, it's a new one on me too - Oliver Curry of the Centre for Philosophy of Natural and Social Science has predicted that a genetically-distinct upperclass will emerge within 10 millennia, leaving a half-witted goblin-like underclass floundering in its wake.
Before that, he reckons, the human race will evolve during the next 1,000 years into a homogenous coffee-coloured species, all seven feet tall and drop-dead gorgeous. It may be appropriate to note that the "research" was conducted for Bravo, a bikini babes and fast cars TV station.
After this initial Utopia, Curry says things will slowly start going downhill. He reckons that extreme socio-economic divisions, including unequal access to technology and medical advances, will mean that within 10,000 years, humanity will fissure into two distinct groups. The superior breed would be statuesque and highly intelligent, whereas the remainder would be squat critters with all the attractiveness of dungbeetles.
The theory is, admittedly, a bit more complicated than I've made out. But I haven't space to explain. Nor the inclination. Because Ollie's concept is currying no favour here. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it's cobblers. Or is it? There's an argument - mostly in my head - that a certain segment of the community in Donegal would appear to support this outlandish theory. Going by Curry's theory, Donegal is way ahead on the evolutionary scale. So advanced, in fact, that it has decided to dispense with the whole one-size-fits-all stage of 1,000 years hence, and gone straight for the great schism. Granted, there aren't all that many body-doubles for He-Man or towering Amazons wandering around Glenties just yet, but the county is full of indigenous mono-browed knuckledraggers.
They are easily spotted - just look behind the wheel of any battered hatchback with a bucket exhaust and windows that look like they've been tinted by a nervous jellyfish holding a black marker. Their tracks are everywhere, scorched into the tarmac of every cowpatted boreen and shiny new bypass from Bundoran to Buncrana. Donegal's roads have more doughnut marks on them than Homer Simpson's desk, and these mental midgets go by the well-known moniker of "boy racers". I noted with interest an announcement by gardaí in Donegal that they have begun another clampdown on Donegal's evolutionary oddities. But it does beg the question - if gardaí have to announce crackdowns with great fanfares and warnings of furious anger, what is their attitude the rest of the time? Laissez faire?
Surely they should be taking a proactive approach, stopping them on sight, crushing their cars and sending them for genetic realignment in offshore labs run by shadowy scientists? There is no time to waste. They must be stopped before they breed. Harsh, I know. But the future of the human race may be at stake.