Circular arguments driving around the bend on the M50

The M50 tolls may be as unfathomable as the riddle of the sphinx, but there is an easy answer

THIS M50 palaver has me as confused as an octopus in a shoe shop. My head is melted trying to work out how to pay for the toll. I don't know what to do. You're a smart fella, so tell me this: Do I go for a tag or video registration?

Well, how often do you use the Westlink?

Hardly ever. I'm terrified of the place.

Then there's no need to register at all. If you know what day you plan to use it, just go into a shop and pre-pay. It'll set you back the grand total of €2.50. Simple.

Simple? You want me to tell a random stranger what my address is and that I won't be there tomorrow because I'll be swanning around the M50? Yeah, right.

How do I know he's not a snitch for a gang of burglars?

Hmm, never thought of that. You could always pay after the fact. Which will cost €3.

Three yo-yos Why is it more expensive a day later? And wasn't the toll only €2 before this changeover malarkey? Why the 50 per cent mark up? Are we getting a better service?

Actually, no. Because it'll take a couple of months to remove the barriers, the Westlink will still be traffic quicksand.

Indeed, the NRA admitted it'll be two years before the system starts benefiting anyone. Except those collecting the tolls, presumably.

Two years? What kind of muppetry is that?

Alexander the Great annexed half the known world in two years. What a crowd of wasters.

I know, it's risible. Did you see the RTÉ news the other day? The newsreader said the NRA has warned the changeover might not go as smoothly as "some people" expected.

Who are these "people"? They must be the most brainwashed crowd of happy-clappers this side of a Moonies convention. How could anyone think this would be anything but a shambles?

So, what you're saying is we're now expected to pay more for service that's even worse than the previous chaos? What a rip-off. Speaking of which, why are there eight different showers flogging tags?

Well, presumably that's in the name of competition.

Yeah, right. Eight different sets of pockets to line, more like. And what's the score with tourists and Nordies?

Well, they're supposed to pay like the rest of us.

Supposed to? What if they don't? It's not like the NRA is going to chase some Northern driver across the border for €3, are they?

They say they are. I can't see it happening either. But our Northern brethren are being encouraged to do their civic duty and pay like everyone else.

Who are they kidding? Civic duty? Most Northerners are so stingy they make Scotsmen look like drunken sailors on shore-leave. Do you think they'll cough up a single penny unless they're dragged by the hair into court?

And what about Bulgarian truckers?

The NRA is hardly planning to send a crack team of bailiffs to Sofia to drag some dude off to Mountjoy for a tenner, is it? And well the foreigners know it. They won't bother paying. Why would they? Would you if you didn't have to?

No, I, like the vast majority of the population who believe that the Westlink bridge has been paid for a dozen times over, wouldn't.

You know what the NRA should do to stop all the confusion and prevent chancers skiving off without paying?

They should put a load of fellas in boxes on the bridge so you can just drive up and pay on the spot.

You mean, like a toll booth?

Yeah, exactly. That would be dead handy, wouldn't it?

You've not quite grasped the concept of barrier-free tolling, have you? Still, you may be on to something.