Bibulous bibs

All this talk of dressing up pedestrians in luminous bibs has me riled. There's a red herring if ever I saw one. Fact is, even though one pedestrian death is one too many, the numbers are barely up at all on this time last year. What is up, however, is the number of drink driving arrests.

So any fool - including this one - can see it's a cack-handed, cynical ploy to undermine the drink driving clampdown and score political points. Like a bad pint, it leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. The Vintners' Federation were up before a Dáil committee earlier this month, blaming pedestrian fatalities on the big nasty Government and its underlings in the gardaí forcing decent citizens out to meet their deaths on the roads by preventing them from driving drunk. Do they not do irony?

So what do they propose? Providing transport for their clientele? Nope. Obeying the law and not allowing their customers to get so drunk they pass out in the middle of the road? Nope. Handing out yellow bibs at the door. Indeed.

Their concern is touching. Especially when you consider these customers they are now so anxious to protect are the self-same characters they were quite happy to fill with drink before sending them out to the car park to drive themselves home before the clampdown. That said, I feel for the poor rural folk being victimised by the drink driving blitz. Imagine, in this day and age of unprecedented personal freedoms, to have their inalienable right to drive to the pub, get scuttered drunk and drive home again taken away from them. Sure, they may well kill themselves or someone else, but isn't that up to them? They're adults, after all. As I said, I feel for them, I really do.

Not that reflective bibs are a bad idea per se. If they do start handing them out, can I make a suggestion? They should be heavily padded. Not only will they illuminate pedestrians, but they'll protect them when they fall. And fall they will.

In fact, why not go the whole hog and fit them with strategically placed springs to bounce the wearer back to being a fine upstanding member of the community should they tumble? Maybe the VFI could rename itself the Vests Federation of Ireland and turn those six million pubs they claim are closing every 20 minutes into workshops to churn them out?

While we're on the subject of money-spinners, my money radar, or "cashdar" was bleeping off the scale when I got wind of Dublin City Council's deal with a French company whereby they'd get 500 bicycles to rent out to the public in exchange for giving away free advertising space. What a capital idea.

Except for one thing. Remember those sparkly cows that were left all over Dublin as part of an international art project some years back? Benign, innocent, defenceless creatures, they were no match for our nation of sleeveens. Damaged, desecrated, in one case decapitated - the whole herd had to be rescued and put behind bars for safety. A proud day for us all. So what makes anyone believe all 500 bikes won't meet the same fate?

I'm contemplating setting up a dredging company. I reckon there'll be good money to be made fishing the bikes from the Liffey. A dangerous job, I know. But don't fret, no doubt some generous publican will lend me a reflective bib.