A contract from the Emperor

Emissions: global warmingRyanair head honcho Michael O'Leary has been expelling lots of hot air of late. He is a one-man global warming hotspot. That said, I do harbour a sneaking respect for him. I like a man who doesn't mince his words. Mincing cows, on the other hand . . .

See, O'Leary recently defended his industry's role in global warming by claiming cattle were far worse offenders in the emissions stakes. If all our bovine chums were obliterated, he maintained, the planet could be saved. He has a point. There are over 1.2 billion of them spouting filthy plumes of methane into the atmosphere, choking one and all.

As with every pronouncement from O'Leary, he has an ulterior motive. Obviously, he's trying to deflect flak from air travel and avoid the expense of cutting emissions. The less transparent motive is that he probably fancies the chances of his airline, with its acknowledged success in herding compliant creatures into cattle class, securing the contracts to remove all the cows. (To a field 40 miles from the abattoir earmarked for their extermination, presumably.)

But mass bovine disposal is hardly fair. It's not their fault. If it wasn't for interfering humans "civilising" them, they'd still be aurochs happily frolicking around the plains of India.

The blame for global warming lies with us. It pains me deeply to lump myself in with such a trough-swilling mass of idiocy, but by "us" I mean humanity as a whole. We, with our cars and fridges and factories, are parasites on the planet. So the only plausible solution is to reduce the number of humans.

When I am Emperor of the Universe, that will be my first task.

Much as I'd like to, I can't use the pages of The Irish Times to advocate genocide. Ah well. Fortunately, as Emperor, it will be in my power to have all those on my list of undesirables deported to some far-flung planet many light-years from decent folk like you and I. We could give O'Leary the contract. It wouldn't matter if he dropped them in the wrong galaxy. As long as he drops them somewhere (In case you are wondering why it wouldn't be simpler to just evacuate the cows, doesn't everyone know they can jump over the Moooon? They'd just come straight back again).

So, who'd be on The List? Since you asked . . .

Joggers. I hate joggers: smug, with knackered knees and shin splints, the lot of them.

Boy racers. Answer me this: do they wear the baseball hats to stop their brain cell being rattled out of the top of their heads by the vibration from their bucket exhausts? I think we can get by without them, don't you?

People who park illegally in disabled driving spaces. Those who use fake passes should also be evacuated. Without chance of appeal. And tortured first. Why? Honestly, do I really need to explain?

Anyone not in possession of a tradesman's licence who buys an SUV. No reason. Just because. Send them to Jupiter where they can display their off-road skills to their little hearts' content. While we're at it, anyone who knowingly sells an SUV to a non-tradesman can go too.

Anyone who owns a mint BMW 2002 Turbo, 3.0 CSL, E30 M3 Sport EVO or Citroën DS Safari. Just so I can take possession of their cars.

Paris Hilton. Why? Like. Duh. Has there ever been a more pointless waste of the planet's resources?

Our advertisers won't thank me for this, but anyone who buys a new car: well ones I don't approve of. Because this is probably the un-greenest thing the average person can do. Except, of course, anyone who buys a new BMW M5 Touring. I'm already saving up so I can afford a seventh-hand one in 15 years.

Anyone who writes in to complain about this article - we don't need your type around here.

There are more. Lots more. Presumably you have a few too. Feel free to send them in. I imagine this topic will be revisited at some stage. Unfortunately, for now, I have the same problem the planet has. I've run out of space.