The bad present guide: what we don't want for Christmas

NEPHEW: GERM WARFARE

Your germ-busting sibling will love you for giving your nephew a cuddly microbe for Christmas, €10.09. Choose from an infectious selection that includes swine flu and superbug MRSA. E. Coli, pictured, is especially cute to bring to bed. Firebox.com

FRIEND: MIND YOUR LANGUAGE

The miracle cure for the foul-mouthed friend in your life is a box of Anti-Swearing Mints, a stocking filler or Kriskindle gift, about €2.55, that promises to freshen up the mouth of the worst serial swearer. Boxergifts.com

BROTHER-IN-LAW: TRY TEMPERANCE

Just what your booze hound brother-in-law always wanted! A half pint glass that looks just like a full pint from the front allowing him to continue to look like a savage drinker down the pub (at least from a distance) but keeping his unit intake to just one per glass, €10.25. How long before his friends notice? Iwantoneofthose.com

THE CHEF IN YOUR LIFE: EGGSACTLY WHAT I WANTED!

Is the Yolkfish egg separator, €10.25, really what every kitchen needs. Simply crack the eggs into a bowl and squeeze the Yolkfish, gently bringing its lips to the yolk. When you release, the fish will swallow the yolk which you then regurgitate by squeezing them back out of the fish and into another bowl. Lovely. Iwantoneofthem.com

FAMILY PET: POOR POOCH

If this dog could talk he'd be in therapy. The poor mutt must be having a Santa-sized identity crisis. This costume, which includes a coat and attached hood with antlers and a scarf, costs about €30 from UK-based Dogs and Co. amazon.co.uk

HOUSE GIFT: A SCARE BEFORE BEDTIME

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house creatures were stirring and screaming thanks to the Ouija board you decided would make the perfect house present. According to trends data released by Google Ouija boards are flying themselves off shelves and under trees this Christmas. The company has recorded a 300 per cent increase in searches for the spirit-bothering devices.

GIRLFRIEND: THE GIFT OF THE GARB

Gifting an Appendage Accessories eye mask , €16.49 ,that makes you look like a sloth, considered to be laziest animal on the planet, is wide open to interpretation . She's not going to care that the mask is hand drawn and printed onto a canvas fabric. All she will recall is that you think she is slothful. Etsy.com

SISTER: YOU’RE SO VAIN

Give your self-obsessed sister the gift of immaculate hair with this selfie-ready large paddle hairbrush, €25.29, which has a built-in mini mirror to minimise potential gurning and bedhead hair photo-bombers. Say cheese. Firebox.com

MOTHER: BAGGAGE AT WINE O’CLOCK

Not all Scandinavian design is as tasteful as the region would have us believe. This Baggy Designcote from Menu takes an outmoded concept, wine in a box, and takes it to new levels. You take the wine bag out of the box, place it in the nylon handbag pictured, €55, meaning you have wine on tap all evening. Hic. Queue rows at midnight. scandinaviandesigncenter.com

AUNT: FELINE NOT SO GROOVY

The purrfect gift for tor the aunt in your life who just might love her cat more than she loves you. Crafting With Cat Hair, recently translated from Japanese into English, €15.19, offers practical and in some instances pretty solutions to the kilos of cat hair molted by her moggy. Say goodbye to feline fur balls. Firebox.com.

DAD: SOLID GOLD GIFT

The Victor toothbrush slash razor holder, €40, by New York-based design house Kontextür, pictured, is made of 18-carat gold plated nickel. Especially from a guilt-ridden child who doesn't spend enough time in his company. designpublic.com

FAMILY PET: DIAMOND DOGS, CATS AND GERBILS

From a lock of hair or the cremated ashes of your loved pet Life Gem creates a synthetic diamond, they says is molecularly identical to natural diamonds found at any high-end jeweller, that you can then wear as a memento of Bran, Shorty or Puss. Prices start from about €2,162. Lifegem.com