How to talk to another parent about their problematic child

Raising concerns about a child’s behaviour to a parent can feel awkward or even scary. It’s important to keep perspective and remain calm.

So your child has run into difficulty with another child

If your child has just told you what happened, step away from the phone. It’s natural to want to protect them from distress, but sometimes we step in too quickly, says psychotherapist and author Stella O’Malley. “Children should have the freedom to fall out with each other. It’s harder for them to fall back in once adults are involved.”

Childhood tiffs are common. “It’s very natural. Sadly one friend may be more invested in the friendship than another. That’s life. It’s difficult, but what can any of us do?” Pick your battles, and perhaps focus on supporting your child by strategising with them.

Bullying is another matter. “Where there is a kind of specific unhealthy power dynamic happening that’s repeated, that would be my rule of thumb for adult intervention,” says O’Malley. “The kid might not be able to manage this on their own.” Either address the parent or voice your concerns to the teacher.

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If I need to intervene, what do I say?

First, get the facts, well as much possible. “That’s really difficult because children don’t quite give the full version,” says O’Malley. It’s not because they are being manipulative, but often they only see their own version.

“It’s very important when a parent goes to another parent that they realise, they may not have the full facts.”

What’s my opener?

Timing is everything, text first to ask if they’d have a moment to chat. Hijacking them on the school run when they’re rushing to work or wrangling a toddler won’t be ideal. Using ‘I’ and ‘we’, words rather than ‘you’ and ‘your’ is the best tack. “Jack is having a problem and I’m not sure how to resolve it” is a possible opener, says O’Malley.

“You could say: ‘I’m just trying to make sure I’m doing what I can to help him. I don’t want to put anyone out, but I’ll just tell you what Jack said happened. Now I mightn’t be right …” This gives plenty of space for discussion. Remember to listen too.

Why did I open my mouth?

Have an outcome in mind; otherwise what’s the point? “The outcome might be: ‘We are going to give the play dates a miss at the moment’, or ‘Would there be any chance Jack could have some space when they are playing and let some other kids get involved,” says O’Malley. Rather than complaining about their child, try to resolve things together.

What if they respond negatively?

You could get a response such as: “Yeah, yeah, it’s all about your neurotic kid, my kid is just spirited.” If things get frosty or the conversation ratchets up, step away. Once you’ve said your piece, there’s no point hammering it. “Some people are quite reflexively frosty, but then they think about it over 48 hours and soften a bit. Whereas if you really beat the door down with your point, you’re unlikely to stay cool,” says O’Malley.

What if the complaint is about my kid?

Keep perspective. It doesn’t have to be a sign that your child is a yobbo. “Parents take it so much more seriously than they need to,” says O’Malley. “It feels very embattled these days. We are all trying to have perfect kids, and we are all failing. Your kid is going to go wrong many times over: the power goes to their head, they get a bit mad and that’s perfectly fine. It doesn’t mean they’re not lovely; they just need a little bit of a hand.”

It’s that great phrase, ‘We are born of risen apes, not fallen angels’, she notes. “It’s our job to civilise our kids. They will mess up many times over because they are kids and they have to learn. It’s perfectly fine for another parent to come over and say your kid is being a bit out of order. That’s fine. It’s your job to go ‘Gotcha. I’ll speak to them’.”

Stella O’Malley is author of Bully Proof Kids