A Landlord's Life

"Sell in May and go away" is a piece of inherited wisdom from the stock exchange.

Millions of investors, lured by the money mirage of recent years, will rue not knowing of, or following, that mantra, observing their portfolios diminish with the speed of a melting ice-cream.

In this over-heated climate, the Celtic Tiger is swiping its claws upon its own, sensing it ought to be somewhere else.

Such thoughts occur as we approach the end of the current season in property. I'm leaving a few mantras of my own to readers, refined out of experience.

If you are a landlord, have been a landlord or aspire to become a landlord, these "nuggets of wisdom" are meant for you.

One: do not become a landlord if you cannot tolerate human eccentricity, madness, waywardness and dishonesty.

Two: you are not a psychiatrist, social worker, fairy godmother, vocational counsellor, money lender, probation officer. You are a landlord.

Three: do not take on a tenant because someone told you "life was hard" on them. Believe me, they will make life harder for you than you ever imagined.

Four: no tenant is better than a bad tenant. As a previous landlord class was fond of saying: "A bad groom is worse than a poor horse - a poor horse can be improved."

Five: "If the groom gets too fond of the horse, change the groom." A modern versions of that goes: "If a tenant gets fond of their accommodation , be careful you don't have them for life!"

Six: unless you marry them, breed from them or they become your new best friend, it is best to encourage tenants to move on after, say, three to five years. Otherwise, you could end up with them claiming all "kinds of everything".

Seven: your "heirs and assignees" will not thank you for bequeathing them a "long-term tenant" who more properly belongs in sheltered housing.

Eight: no prying into your tenant's private life, unless you are prepared for shocks. As was said this week of a little man with big ideas, everybody has a public life, a private life and a secret life. Leave your tenant their secret life, we all need one.

Nine: if you do not give your tenant privacy, you should be not be a landlord and should consider a change of career, maybe switch to the drug squad, vice squad or National Bureau of Immigration.

Ten: landlords give shelter in return for modest payment. There are hundreds of thousands of you - the State should give you a medal. The State will not give you a medal. Go away without your medal and enjoy being abroad, the rented place will still be there when you come back.