ASK THE EXPERT:The decision to stop breastfeeding, thus ending this aspect of their relationship with their baby, can be difficult for mothers, writes DAVID COLEMAN
Q I am almost 40 years of age and my husband and I were blessed with a healthy baby boy 19 months ago. He is a great baby, very happy and easy-going. I have breastfed my son since he was born, so consequently co-sleeping came into the equation, too.
Since I am back at work he doesn’t feed during the day, but I still breastfeed him to sleep and, in fact, he knows no other way of falling asleep, which has been a problem during the day now that he is with a baby minder. I have asked her not to let him cry to sleep and she has tried to get him to sleep in the pram, to no avail. He takes “rests” on her lap or in the pram and, consequently, when we pick him up he is exhausted.
First question – is it bad for him not to nap during the day? In the evening time I follow a usual bedtime routine, including feeding him to sleep on my lap in the sitting room, and then he may sleep in the cot for an hour or two. Then he wakes and I take him into the bed and feed him to sleep.
He may wake every other hour to feed/sleep and lately from 5am he wakes every half-hour or less. I have been trying to get pregnant again and have been advised by my GP and consultant obstetrician that I must stop feeding the baby.
My baby is my life and while I am exhausted from night time, I can put up with it. But if I am to take falling pregnant seriously, I need to stop feeding sooner rather than later.
So my question is: realistically, how can I wean my baby from night-time and morning feeds with as much love and consideration for him as possible? My husband is more than willing to help.
A There are many reasons why women have to stop breastfeeding before they would instinctively like to, and invariably finishing this aspect of your relationship with your son will entail a strong feeling of loss, both for you and possibly for him also.
So I am not, and nor should you be, underestimating how powerful these feelings might be. However, it is a loss that both you and he can come to terms with.
I think your love and consideration for him in the change is evident in how you have considered his needs already, and your determination that he shouldn’t ever be left to cry himself to sleep.
Because, as you describe, “he knows no other way of falling asleep” than to feed, he needs to learn an alternative method of soothing to sleep in the first instance.
This will mean that his reliance on breastfeeding for that all-important night-time comfort and security will diminish, and that will make stopping the night feeds more manageable.
If his dad is indeed ready to help, then this can be his first task – taking over the night-time settling to bed. Let his dad take him after his last feed of the evening, but before he has fallen asleep.
His dad can then either hold him and rock/cuddle him till he sleeps (hard going with a heavy 19 month old) or can rest him in his cot, or your bed, and stay with him, using soothing tones and lots of gentle physical contact like head-stroking, even if he is very distressed and upset at not having his usual feed to sleep.
This is the crux time and his dad needs to be up to the job. It will be emotionally tough for the two of them until your son realises that he is still safe, secure and minded enough to fall asleep. For this initial period, keep the middle-of-the-night feeds going. After a week or so, your son should be settling into his new routine of being put to bed by his dad.
From then on you can start dropping the night feeds. Substitute them with your or his dad’s, physical presence and/or soothing tones. Continuing the consistency of co-sleeping may make it easier for him and you to settle into the new habit of not feeding at night as it is one less change to have to adapt to.
However, his association of your bed with feeding might be very powerful, and so being in his own cot might actually be easier for him. This is something you will have to judge for yourselves. Irrespective of where he sleeps, the key bit is that he learns that you and his dad are still available to help him regulate his emotions. You are not leaving him to cry it out.
To answer your first question last, at his age it is always better to nap during the day as good solid naps for toddlers and preschoolers can really assist their night-time sleeping, too. By taking away the reliance on breastfeeding as a soother for sleep, you will make it much more likely that he will also get into a good daytime nap habit with his childminder.
So, hard as it may be to countenance, weaning your son may bring many positive possibilities to your family.
David Coleman is a clinical psychologist and broadcaster. Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be e-mailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com
www.davidcoleman.ie