JOHN SHARRYanswers readers' questions
Q
My son is four years old, he has an older sister who is six and a younger brother who is two. At home he is very sociable and relaxed, but when we go out he clams up and won’t talk.
He becomes really shy, and won’t say anything. He is also very slow to play with other children even when they are being friendly to him. For example, I was visiting a close friend the other day who has three children the same ages and, unlike the others, he would not go and play, instead he spent the whole time clinging to my leg.
I tried to tell him not to be shy and to play but he clung to my leg and became whingey. In the end I had to go home early which was a bit frustrating.
His brother is confident and very different from him and already his baby sister looks like she is social too. What should I do to help him? I worry for him and that he won’t be able to make friends.
A
At four years of age it is very normal for a child to be somewhat shy and reserved when out socially. Many young children take time to warm up when out and can find busy social situations daunting, which results in them clinging to their parents for some time.
While such social reserve or shyness brings challenges, it also has benefits in that staying close to mum or dad is an important safety instinct which can be preferable to a child being impulsive or over-friendly or having no sense of danger.
Lots of young children go through phases of shyness which they grow out of and for some it is a sign of their emerging personality, which might be more introverted or quieter socially. In helping your son it is important to appreciate his personality and how it might be different than that of his brother and sister.
See the strengths in how he is behaving (eg weighing up social situations first before making a move) as well as the areas where he might need some assistance (eg getting started talking to other children, etc).
How much your son’s shyness is a problem and whether you should do something about it depends of course on the degree and how much it is interfering in family life.
There are a number of things you can do to help your son feel more comfortable in social situations. The first is to not draw attention to him when he is behaving shyly.
At its heart, shyness is about being self-conscious and over-vigilant about how you are behaving socially. If you say “don’t be shy” to a child, this makes them more self-conscious about how they are behaving. This rarely causes a child to become more comfortable and usually increases their anxiety and clinginess.
Instead, the key is to take a pause and to tune into your son if you notice him becoming overly shy. Rather than putting him under any pressure, it can help to gently distract him from being self-conscious by perhaps talking about other things that he likes (“There are nice cars over there”) or focusing him on what is going on around him (“Look, Mary has a new ball”) or by giving him something to do (“Why not show Mary your new Lego?”).
Be prepared to give your son plenty of time in these situations and to go at his pace. Your tone as a parent is crucial: the more relaxed you are the more relaxed he will be. Let him take time to absorb the new situation and recognise that he might need extra support to get started socially.
For example, with another child you might take a few minutes to set them up with a toy before backing off and letting them get on with it. You could also prepare him to get started by emphasising these skills at home, maybe through doing role-plays about social situations with his play figures (eg “this boy wants to play with the other one – what can he say?”) or by reading social stories together about playing with and meeting other children. Make sure these discussions are fun and relaxed with not too much pressure to learn.
Try to build on social situations that your son is more comfortable with. For example, some children might be very shy visiting another house where there is a group of children, but more comfortable meeting a child one to one in their own home.
Indeed, many children who are shy are great on one-to-one friendships because they can be more sensitive to the other child’s needs. However, these friendships might need to be developed over time and with support from parents.
For this reason you might want to organise some one-to-one “play dates” for your son with children with whom he might have a natural friendship.
When going out socially it can help if you take time to prepare your son for what will be happening. Give him a clear picture of what is planned and what he will be doing and focus him on the aspects he might enjoy, eg a favourite activity he could play at your friend’s house or that of another child he knows well. You can make it easier for him by giving him a toy to take that might attract other children to him or at least give them an initial topic of conversation to break the ice.
Finally, children who are more reserved often find socialising easier when doing activities that they enjoy or have a talent for. In these situations they lose themselves in the task and gain the respect and interest of other children – it is easier to talk when doing something you enjoy. For this reason make sure to expose your son to a range of activities as he grows up, from team sports to martial arts, from scouts to drama/dancing, etc.
The goal is to find one or two things he really enjoys – this will be a real boost to his self-esteem and help his social skills.
Dr John Sharry is a social worker and pyschotherapist and director of ParentsPlus charity. His website is solutiontalk.ie.
Readers’ queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but John regrets that he cannot enter into individual correspondence. Questions should be emailed to healthsupplement@irishtimes.com