Helping, not hovering: how to be a college parent

With uniforms, homework notebooks and Leaving Certificate worries joyfully consigned to the past, starting college is both daunting and exciting. And that’s just for the parents.

Whether your college student is moving away or staying in the home, it is a significant turning point in family relationships.

"It is nearly as much a transition for the parents as for the students," says Brian Gormley, manager of Campus Life at the Dublin Institute of Technology (DIT). "We see it with parents – they are struggling between wanting students to be independent and wanting to protect them."

It can be difficult to judge where support stops and interference starts – it's a fine line between being a committed, interested parent and one of those much-derided "helicopter" parents. But, certainly, if you find yourself on the phone to your son or daughter's tutor asking for an extension to an assignment deadline – you're way over that line.

Helicopter parenting
We may not see the extremes of "helicopter parenting on campus" that have been documented in the US – a 21-year-old student at the University of Cincinnati won a civil stalking order against her parents last December after they installed monitoring software on her phone and computer and also kept turning up unannounced – but there is a definite trend of parents here remaining more involved in their offspring's lives when they go on to college.

In recognition of this trend, the Dublin Institute of Technology (DIT) is, for the first time, holding an information evening for parents of first-year students tomorrow evening. And Trinity College Dublin is planning something similar later in the year.

With the emphasis at third-level being on independence and self-management, involving parents is something DIT would have steered clear of previously, says Gormley. “But we have come around to the point of view that it is important parents are aware of the services available for their students.”

About 10 per cent of the parents of the 2,500 first-year students are expected to attend tomorrow's information session in DIT Bolton Street, which will cover issues such as finance, academic requirements, support services and settling in at college.

More parental contact
Gormley says he and colleagues in colleges across the State notice they are getting more contact from parents – partly because more students with disabilities are going into college and "those parents, in particular, would have a history of fighting for the rights of their children and that continues into third-level".

However, the phenomenon of “extended adolescence” has been attracting the attention of social scientists in recent years.

“There is a theory that students are less independent than they were 20 years ago and parents probably are supporting that in a way,” says Gormley.

But over-controlling parents don't do third-level students any favours, according to a study published in the US earlier this year. Holly Schiffrin of the University of Mary Washington in Virginia found that "helicopter parenting" had a negative impact on college students because it undermined their need to feel autonomous and competent.

Students reporting a higher level of interference from parents (well, mothers to be precise, as the students were asked only about their mothers) were more likely to be depressed and less satisfied with their lives.

“You expect parents with younger kids to be very involved but the problem is that these children are old enough to look after themselves and their parents are not backing off,” Schiffrin, an associate professor of psychology, told Reuters. “To find parents so closely involved with their college lives, contacting their tutors and running their schedules, is something new and on the increase. It does not allow independence and the chance to learn from mistakes.”

So, as a college parent, how do you back off but continue to offer age-appropriate support at what is undoubtedly a challenging time?

"It is a real letting go for the parent," says Bernadette Ryan, a therapist with Relationships Ireland. As one mother of a college student said: "I used to know where my daughter was all the time and now I haven't a clue."

Registration for college is complicated but they have to do that for themselves, Ryan advises. Encourage their growing sense of autonomy but recognise they are still vulnerable, particularly if they are living away from home. “They want all this freedom but don’t quite know what to do with it,” she suggests.

If they are staying at home, negotiate ground rules around safety and respect now that school no longer imposes the same structure on their lives.

"Listening is so important – it is the most important part of communication," Ryan stresses. "We seldom really hear our kids – we already have our mind made up, we already know what's good for them."

Making mistakes
She acknowledges it is difficult letting them make their own mistakes but parents should take the "my experience has shown me this" approach to giving advice – "whereas we tend to be more dogmatic and say 'if you do that, this will happen'."

However, not everybody of college age is quite ready to grow up; building autonomy and decision-making abilities in your child can be a slower process for some than others. “It’s trial and error – there is no surefire way to do this,” Ryan adds.

First-year students are bound to have moments of uncertainty starting off, says Amanda Piesse, Dean of Students at TCD. "Take those concerns seriously – listen to them, talk through the problems and support them."

That’s what she is planning to do with her own daughter who is starting college this month.

“Parents know their young people well,” Piesse points out. “They know what the warning signs are and they know what is likely to cause a wobble. I think keep on doing what you’ve been doing – and the piece of elastic becomes longer and longer as time goes on.

"We acknowledge that parents do have concerns and we think it is helpful for everybody if we all agree on the best way to handle these kind of situations," says Piesse.

Making the transition
Transition means leaving one mode of being and going into another, she adds, "and all players in that situation have really to be in agreement on how that works".

That transition from secondary school to third level can take its toll in different ways, says the vice-president for welfare in the Students’ Union of Ireland, Denise McCarthy.

“It can hit their pocket, their wellbeing, their mental health.” While exciting, it is also overwhelming. “If you don’t sit down and talk to your son or daughter about that, you will never know how overwhelmed your son or daughter is.”

Of course inquiring how their week went, did they make new friends, did they learn something new may be met with an “Oh Mam, stop!” she acknowledges. But it is important to ask those questions and open up the conversation, in case they are feeling down and want to talk.

“If they think they have chosen the wrong course, anxiety and stress can build up,” she adds. “They may either stay in the course and fail, or drop out.”

Noirin Deady, who is first-year experience co-ordinator at University College Cork, says students need to develop an identity separate from their parents. "Don't tell me what to do, just send the money," is probably what many parents hear, she suggests.

Developing healthy independence involves making mistakes and Deady advises parents to try to avoid taking on their children’s problems, but being available to discuss them.

“In other words,” she adds, “university students need help discovering answers for themselves, not a parent’s answer.”

swayman@irishtimes.com

‘It is very hard not to step in’

It usually comes down to geography and finances, but whether a student moves out or stays in the family home is going to colour their college experience.

Rosarii Curran of Wexford, whose daughter Niamh (19), is about to start her second year at University College Cork, believes it is more enjoyable not only for students but also their parents if they go away to college.

“You don’t see how often she is going out, or what time she is coming in at,” she says. Whereas when Niamh is socialising in Wexford town, Rosarii, whose husband died two years ago, is a “nervous wreck” until she’s back in the house.

“When they’re away out of your sight, you pretend that’s not happening,” she says.

For students like Niamh, being away from home encourages them to embrace college life more fully.

“It is just a fantastic experience and I wanted her to have that,” says Rosarii. “It is definitely a transition to adulthood. When she came back from Cork she had an air about her that was much more independent.”

“I had to grow up,” agrees Niamh, who is studying Environmental and Earth Systems Science and has an older brother at home. “I was out doing my own shopping and watching my own money.”

Initially she had to deal with college registration – “I had never done anything like that on my own, my mam always did it for me” – and other things, like ringing a doctor for herself.

If she had been living at home, she says she wouldn’t have gone out as often or partied as hard.

“It’s not that my mam wouldn’t let me – but she would probably be giving out about it. That stress is off and I had that kind of freedom.”

She has made lots of new friends – in campus accommodation and even on the bus up and down to Cork – and she thinks peers who are living at home are missing out. “They are getting the home comforts but they are not getting the real student life. I don’t think I am ever going to have this amount of freedom, with the least amount of responsibility, ever again so I am going to make the most of it.”

Looking back over her first year, would she have done anything differently?

“Maybe I would have gone to more lectures,” she laughs. And she also thinks that perhaps she would have stayed down in Cork more, instead of going home most weekends until May – when she stayed put for four weeks so she could concentrate on studying for exams.

“I had to make myself stay down there. I definitely missed home but I just got over it and got on with it.” She thinks it not only paid off for her study but will also help her stay down for longer periods this year. “I know myself I probably should have studied more in first year. Last year I only passed everything and this year I am looking for higher marks.”

Rosarii texts Niamh every morning and they talk at least once every day. Niamh’s friends say that much contact is a bit strange but Niamh doesn’t mind, although, she adds, when Rosarii was doing it three times a day, “it was a bit excessive”.

Dolores Grace, whose son Elliot (17) is starting to study Sports, Exercise and Enterprise at Dundalk Institute of Technology this week, doesn't think she will be phoning him every day. "Probably a quick [daily] text at the beginning, to make sure he's got enough food, but I imagine it will dwindle down to two phone conversations a week."

She knows it is going to be a big change – not just for Elliot living away from home but also for her and her husband and their three younger children, aged seven, six and four. “The family dynamic is changing – a lot of times when you leave for college, you don’t really come home fully again.”

Although she is going to miss the extra pair of hands, she thinks it is good he is going. “I have always thought the college experience is not just about the studying bit – it is the college experience, so I do think you have got to see all sides of it.”

She is consciously trying to step back: “I don’t want to be overloading him with ‘do this’, ‘don’t do that’ – I just have to hope that I have brought him to the right level, that he can make those decisions. It is very hard not to step in – but if you do step in, they will never learn.”

She doesn't have many worries for him, as "he is more responsible than a lot of 17 year olds – hopefully anyway", and she sees that first-years are well supported at the IT with a good students' union and buddy system. "I just hope he won't be afraid to ask for help."

Elizabeth Kealy is glad that her daughter, Aisling (18), can stay at home in Santry, Dublin, when she starts Education Studies at Marino Institute of Education just down the road. She also has a 22-year-old son in the house, who is starting his final year at college.

As well as being relieved not to have the extra financial burden of supporting the two of them in rented accommodation, Elizabeth says: “I think it is more stressful on them if they have to move away – as well as coping with going to college.”

However, both children were raised to be very independent as she and her husband, Kenneth, have always worked outside the home full-time. They are well used to getting themselves out in the mornings and preparing their own meals.

Aisling says she prefers to live at home and she doesn’t anticipate any great change in the relationship with her parents, because they “talk to us as adults anyway”.

As college students, they have to have more freedom, says Elizabeth. “I know they have to go and have a few drinks – but I would hate to think they would fall in drunk.”

She thinks it must be “horrendous” for parents of first-year students who are living out. They have to “leave them to their own devices – both sides not knowing what is going on. I am delighted in that regard she is at home.”