My son throws himself to the floor and does the whole tantrum thing

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Q

My 19-month-old boy has started going through a phase that I can best describe as “obstructive” (at least, I hope it’s a phase). He automatically wants to do the opposite of what I suggest and uses “don’t like”, “don’t want” and “no” a lot during the day. He also throws himself on the floor and does the whole tantrum thing several times a day. This happens most often in the situation where he is busy doing something and I need to end it because it’s time to go, or eat or sleep.

He is most happy when he is “helping” me around the house and wants to be doing exactly what I’m doing, but he hates having to stop when he’s not ready. So far I have tried to tell him in advance that it’s nearly time to end what he is doing, but he now anticipates my words and actions. Just opening my mouth or moving near him sets him off. It’s quite funny really sometimes because he uses my own words back at me, saying “I know, I know you’re having fun”, as he throws himself to the floor.

He whines and asks for everything I pick up. I realise he is developing and growing and he is testing his boundaries and his little life can be quite frustrating, but I would appreciate some advice on dealing with it myself because I find it quite stressful and it takes a lot of mental energy to get through the day. I feel like I’m negotiating hostage situations all day!

A

The word “obstructive” while possibly accurate suggests that your son is consciously or deliberately trying to frustrate your efforts to move through the day. The reality, of course, is that while his behaviour may obstruct your plans, it is a very natural part of his early individuation.

Individuation is that process by which children begin to differentiate themselves from you. Even at 19 months, he is beginning to realise that he is a separate person from you. Prior to this time he would have seen you as an extension of himself. From his perspective you and he were indivisible; one being.

Now that he unconsciously and instinctively is coming to an awareness of his separateness he is trying to underline this by being independent and acting independently of you. So actually his obstructive behaviour is a very healthy indicator of his development.

When he is prevented from doing what he wants he, too, gets frustrated. Unlike you, he can’t voice (and therefore can’t process) his frustrations with the same ease and maturity.

What he needs to learn is that, even though it is frustrating to do what you ask, he still has to march to your tune because you are the mum and therefore the boss. He currently experiences the world as something that extends from, and revolves around, him.

When you set limits for him he learns that he is not all powerful and not always in control. It is a difficult lesson and is the reason why he and so many other toddlers experience such massive frustration and the tantrums that go with it.

When I read how you currently deal with him I am tempted to suggest that you need do nothing more. It is great that you let him “help” you. You already forewarn him of any changes to the plan for the day and you seem to set very appropriate boundaries on what he can and can’t do.

Certainly, I would suggest that you continue to make the decisions and set the limits about what he will do. Crucially, though, you must also continue to help him regulate his emotions by empathising with his frustrations. Tell him that you can see he seems frustrated and cross. He may not understand all the words at his age, but he will certainly understand the tone and the warmth of how you are saying it.

Empathy will always take the intensity out of a tantrum and will probably shorten its duration. It doesn’t stop him feeling cross and frustrated but it does help him to deal with it a bit better and to move on from it.

The other dynamic that happens, often, is that after a tantrum he just gets on with things. We parents, however, can get stuck with our own frustration (and at times exhaustion) at having to constantly deal with things. It is a good habit for us to learn to forgive and forget once an incident has been dealt with.

Other practical things that may help are to use distraction as a tool for heading off a tantrum, or to help him to stop a tantrum. When you can use humour with distraction it is especially helpful, as it also lifts your own mood and prevents you getting run down by the constant effort of keeping him on track. So tickling him, lifting him upside down, making silly noises or silly faces can all work to help him to move on from his distress.

I know it is hard to feel like you are “negotiating hostage situations all day” and so you can try to manage that stress by getting regular exercise, eating well, getting lots of social contact with other adults to offset the time you spend with him.

Do continue to try to see the funny side of your interactions with him, and remember to focus on the activities that have gone well for you and him. Keeping this kind of a positive attitude is a great antidote to getting overwhelmed by the difficult times.

This can indeed be a frustrating stage of parenting because it requires such a heavy investment of time and energy, but it is very worthwhile and it does pass.

David Coleman is a clinical psychologist, author and broadcaster. His new book, Parenting is Child's Play: The Teenage Years, is available now. Readers' queries are welcome and will be answered through the column, but David regrets he cannot enter into individual correspondence.

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