My Health Experience: ‘I was broken inside, but running gave me a purpose’

Kate O’Kelly is preparing to run her eighth marathon. The Dublin woman hasn’t always been a keen runner but since her mother died of cancer in 2008, she has managed to overcome the trauma and crippling grief by putting one foot in front of the other.

“In May 2007, Mammy was suffering with what doctors thought was a tummy bug,” says O’Kelly. “She looked awful and, despite having various tests and diagnoses, wasn’t getting any better. She was a very fit 70-year-old when she first got ill but went downhill very fast, and a few months later doctors discovered she had a tumour in her colon so she had to have it removed and undergo chemotherapy.”

O’Kelly, who is originally from Tipperary, was a casual runner at the time and never undertook more than a couple of miles. As her mother’s condition deteriorated, she put her own life on hold and, for the best part of 18 months, spent much of her time ferrying her mum from Roscrea to Dublin for treatment. When the illness took hold, she, along with her father and four brothers, kept a bedside vigil.

“I found that doctors didn’t really want to give us the truth about my mother’s condition but I eventually found out that she was dying and decided to do everything I could to make her comfortable,” she says.

“About a year and a half after she was first diagnosed, we knew it was the end as she couldn’t leave her hospital bed and I did everything I could to try to make the room as homely as possible.

“But her death was very long and drawn out: she lay there for a week with her eyes closed until she finally died on October 2nd, 2008. I was utterly heartbroken.”

Devastated

Growing up in a house full of boys, Kate, who is now married to Kyran and has two sons, was very close to her mother and was devastated by her death. For months she was unable to function and it was only when a friend suggested she start running again that she started to get back on her feet.

“Coming to terms with Mammy’s death was horrendous,” she admits. “I was totally shell-shocked by it and was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn’t make myself do anything. My two boys [Luke, 12 and Sam, 10] were very young then, so I had to be careful not to show them how upset I was, but it was very hard.

“Then a friend suggested that I take part in a 10k run with her. Initially I thought I wouldn’t be able for it, but I knew it would be good for me – and the distance wasn’t such a big goal – so I agreed.”

With something to aim for, O’Kelly gave into the grief that propelled her body forward, and the “buzz” she got from running made her realise there was a way to help alleviate the physical and mental pain caused by her mother’s death.

“Running gave me a purpose and really helped me to deal with emotion in those early days,” she says.

"I had the mental space I needed, which meant I cried regularly, and the physical act of running helped to release some of the anger and sadness I was feeling. I was broken inside for a while. My doctor offered me antidepressants but I refused. Once I had completed my first 10k, I decided to do a half-marathon and even though I would never have considered it in the past, I then decided to do my first marathon in Dublin in October 2009 in aid of the Irish Cancer Society [ICS] and in memory of my wonderful mother."

Determination

From her first step in that race, O’Kelly was determined to continue with her new running regime. She could honour her mother, raise funds for ICS and battle her way through the huge burden of grief she was still carrying. “When the starting pistol fired for the start of my first marathon, I was totally overwhelmed and burst into tears,” she admits. “I was doing this for Mammy and I decided there and then that I would do the Dublin marathon every year in her memory; and I have.

“Her anniversary is in October so it is good to have something else to focus on, as it is a very hard time.”

While exercise doesn’t take away the pain of grief, she says, it can help you to come to terms with it; and following the death of her father two years ago, her gruelling routine has helped her to cope.

“Nothing can take away the pain I felt after first my mother and then my father died,” she says. “But running has helped me to get the frustration out of my system. I am currently in training for my second London marathon [which takes place on April 26th] and alternate my daily routine between 14 and 10-mile runs and six-mile fast runs. As it gets closer to the date, I will do at least three 21-mile runs a week. I know I can do it as I did the Dublin one in October but it is still important to keep on top of things.

“Running has been my saviour over the past few years as it has helped me to get stronger physically and emotionally so I would encourage anyone else who is grieving to get their trainers on; and if they can’t manage a run, just get moving in some way.” See cancer.ie