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I’m 30, have never dated anyone and am unsure of my sexuality

All the advice seems to be for people certain of their sexuality and who want to come out

Photograph: Getty

Roe McDermott's face
Roe McDermott
Sat Jul 24 2021 - 06:00

Dear Roe,

I am a 30-year-old woman and I have never dated or been in a relationship, and I am uncertain of my sexuality – or whether it even exists. While I have been flattered by the (very) occasional interest of men in the past, I had no desire to spend time with them, and my interactions with men in these settings have always felt stilted and false. Over the past few years I’ve begun to wonder am I gay, and the idea seems more natural to me. I’m a thinker and not a doer however, and I have no idea how to explore this further. All the advice out there seems to be for people in their teens or for those who are certain of their sexuality and want to come out. I want connection but find it hard, and am terrified I’ll put myself out there and feel nothing.

I understand that this is a layered issue for you, but it’s important not to fall into the trap of treating yourself like a problem that needs to be solved – and immediately. This attitude will not only negatively impact your self-esteem, but it could also suck all of the joy out of connecting with others, as you treat dating as a zero-sum game where you have to instantly fall in love and find sexual attraction, or else it’s a meaningless waste of time.

I also recommend connecting with some LGBTQ+ groups, even online

You say you feel you might be gay, which may well be the case but you don’t have to be certain or define yourself right now. There are other possibilities you could look into and see if they could also feel true for you. You could be bisexual; asexual (where you don’t have sexual attraction for people, but can still have loving, romantic relationships if you want); or greysexual (where a person may only feel sexual attraction on occasion, or under specific circumstances.) Demisexuality, for example, is where sexual attraction occurs only after a close emotional bond has been formed with someone.

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These are just some possibilities but what’s important is to not try force yourself into any box that doesn’t feel true or comfortable for you.

What if, for now, your goal wasn’t to try “to solve” this issue, but simply to reach out to the world and connect with more people? What if dating or other social activities (such as joining some classes, book clubs, hobby groups, etc) weren’t pressurised events where you can either succeed or fail, but an adventure where you get to meet different people, find new friends and figure out what kinds of connections excite and fulfil you?

If you have social anxiety, a therapist could really help. If you have good friends or family, ask them for some support, such as joining a club with you so you feel more comfortable. I also recommend connecting with some LGBTQ+ groups, even online. Many people aren’t certain of their sexuality, experience shifts in their sexual identity, or come out later in life so you will not be alone and will find some support and solidarity.

Finally, you mention that some interactions with men have felt “stilted and false”. This may just have been because you aren’t attracted to men. But also remember that people of all genders can be a bit uncomfortable on early dates or during early interactions. Trust your instincts, but also give yourself and others some grace. Connections of all kinds can take time. And there’s no rush. The world is out there, waiting for you to reach out to it. Enjoy this time. Notice who excites you when they reach back.

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