I am learning to count my blessings: Steph Booth, Married to Alzheimers

Christmas in our extended family is always hectic. Tony has eight daughters and what seems like hundreds of grandchildren. I have four sons. Buying gifts for this motley crew is the least of it. Board games are a traditional feature of our Christmas night. My role is to arbitrate the conflicting claims of cheating while trying not to get caught out myself.

In my experience, Articulate is the most hotly disputed and therefore the most fearsome of all board games, surpassing even Monopoly.

Tony and I share the task of writing Christmas cards. He writes them and I address the envelopes. Usually a reasonably happy and peaceful division except when he decides to get a little creative with his messages. His failing ability to spell, never good in the first place, can further complicate matters.

The Christmas card Tony and Cherie sent out this year was a source of some discussion in the newspapers. When our card arrived we guessed straight away why Tony Blair perhaps looked a little strained. Obviously, Cherie had just told him his father-in-law was about to visit. She had her hand on his chest simply to restrain him and prevent him from running away! Much as the two Tony’s get on together, my Tony can be forthright in his views and a bit too much even for the most tolerant of souls.

Peace and quiet

This year I made a unilateral decision Tony and I would spend Christmas and Boxing Day at home. Snuggled in front of the fire with good food, good wine (for me), a pile of good books and snoring dogs at our feet. It was what we both wanted. Tony, because he liked the idea of peace and quiet; and me, because this may well be our last Christmas together. Tony’s heart failure is such that nothing more in medical terms can be done for him. That is a fact, but we are still making plans, looking to the future.

His Alzheimer’s means Tony’s mood very much depends on mine. If I am happy, he is content. If I am tired and irritable, he is much more anxious and fretful. I need to try, as much as possible, to keep this reality in mind. A happy, peaceful household is a huge benefit to both of us – as are things to look forward to even if I have to constantly remind Tony what they are.

I am going to be 60 in January and we are planning a ceilidh to celebrate. Initially, I wanted the day to pass unannounced. Then Tony’s recent illness reinforced for me just how amazing life is and how wonderful it will be to reach 60. Being frightened I was about to lose him gave me a sharp lesson not to put things off. To quote the poet Horace, carpe diem.

In the early spring Tony and I are planning a visit to the west coast of Scotland to the Isle of Aran. We are going with a couple of close friends for a holiday – and, of course, to carry on celebrating. As long as Tony can hunker down by the fire in the cottage we are renting, he is perfectly happy for us to carry on with the lunatic pursuit of long walks taken for pleasure.

Barcelona

We have had many happy times in Barcelona and Tony is keen to go again. It is such a vibrant and beautiful city and, of course, Tony respects the courage of the Catalans who, for so long, held out against their enemies during the Spanish Civil War. Unfortunately, his health means he can no longer fly. This is a disappointment, but I am hoping he accepts the possible alternative of driving to France. I am concerned it will be too tiring, but we will have to wait and see.

My aim for 2015 is to try to keep Tony as well and active as possible and, most importantly, at home. It has been something of an achievement to keep him going until Christmas given the dire predictions of only a few months ago. His appetite has improved. He may have started to put on a little weight – though that may be wishful thinking. Whatever, we are in a much better place than I would have dreamed possible in September.

So, in many ways life is good. I am learning to count my blessings – a difficult one sometimes when caring for someone with dementia, but worth a try because they are there. Finally, I would just like to wish everyone a happy, healthy and peaceful 2015.

Steph Booth lives with her husband, actor Tony Booth, in the north of England.