You Give Me Auction Fever

I HAVE enjoyed reading about the Jackie Onassis memorabilia auction in Manhattan the other day.

(not that day, the other day).

What did you like best about it?

Possibly Quentin Letts' description of Sothebys boss Diana "Dede" Brooks as being "clad in cobalt" as she conducted proceedings.

I hear they all went mad entirely at the auction.

The word "mania" does not seem out of place regarding an auction where a second hand rocking chair sold for £294,705 and a tape measure for £32,550. "Frenzy" was a word also popular in the media coverage.

What am I bid for "unbelievable"?

Very little. "Unbelievable" and "amazing" and "crazy" were not sufficiently distinctive reactions on the night to be worth very much.

The "cult of the Kennedys" then?

Knocked down to the gentleman at the back with the green coat and the platinum card.

Everyone there wanted a little bit of Camelot.

Quite. But look. I have an idea which will benefit all of us, or at any rate those with imagination. Oh good.

Right. Here is how we will all make a few bob. Donate to me all your little (or large) treasures, from rocking horses to jewellery. Give me the use of them for life. Then, on my demise, your relatively cheap necklace, for example, is sold at auction for, say, $140,000. You or your descendants are guaranteed 50 per cent of this, as agreed in writing when I accept the thing from you.

I'm still not sure how this will work.

Look. Back in 1961, the comedian Milton Berle presented Jack Kennedy with a walnut humidor to keep his beloved cigars moist. Worth a few hundred pounds at the most, the yoke was sold at the Sothebys auction for £382,617. Milton himself turned up at the auction in the hope of buying it back, but couldn't afford it. Had he presented the gift according to my plan, he would have got back nearly £200,000, less commission, on his investment/gift. Even over 35 years, that is a fine appreciation.

But I don't smoke, and if I did I probably wouldn't smoke cigars, and if I did I probably wouldn't have enough at any given time to need a humidor.

You are becoming bogged down in irrelevant specifics. Let us say you present me with a vase from the Habitat collection or the Brown Thomas basement. Surely that is within your means?

I might rise to it but those places make me nervous.

Fine. I then graciously accept the vase. On my demise the item is sold for a fortune, and by the terms of our agreement, half the loot is yours. How does that grab you?

That's all very well but you aren't famous.

Fame will attach itself to me through the ingenuity of the scheme itself.

But you haven't got the Camelot connection.

I intend to acquire it and build on it. It will be more authentic than the American version, will adhere more closely to the original court of King Arthur, the Knights of the Round Table will be more upright, Guinevere will be above reproach and Lancelot kept at a proper distance.

But it was the shenanigans of the Kennedy clan that made their name, maybe Lancelot should let rip.

You have a point: the Kennedy excesses seemed to enhance rather than detract from their shimmering glory over the years. I will therefore arrange for appropriate shenanigans at suitable intervals (and leak details of past aberrations). The Garda and the media will be courted assiduously by a hand picked public relations team, so that not even the slightest misdemeanour in my new Camelot shall go unreported.

When might we get the Jew bob out of all this?

Obviously, it has occurred to you that payout may be delayed a long time, seeing as my health is excellent, thank God, and I am merely middle aged.

We could have you taken out, as they say in the crime movies!

I don't really find that amusing. But there will be no point in speeding things up by hiring a hitman. The Camelot myth must be given time to develop, my aura must shine for many years if you want your investment to rise in value.

It seems fair enough, I have a half day on Tuesday and I'll get the vase then.

It is fair enough. But again you are being too specific. I did not necessarily mean you should present me with a vase. I am fairly well supplied in the vase area, and should prefer original art, a reliable music system, a portable computer, cases of cutlery, good quality armchairs, fine wines and suchlike items.

You'll be well set up if this gets off the ground.

I will. But your future wealth is also assured, and your loved ones will be grateful for ever.