United in separation

There's no rite of passage if you find yourself on your own because of marriage breakdown or separation. But there is a new way forward, writes Anne Dempsey.

Many years ago when asked how she felt about her husband Leo's infidelity, the novelist Jilly Cooper famously replied, "Like Dresden after the bombing". It's a personal devastation many can identify with, particularly when - as now often happens in contemporary Ireland - marital problems lead to marital split.

Willie Byrne is Dublin president of Beginning Experience, a support service for separated, divorced and widowed people. "In many of the stories we hear, the marital breakdown is due to an affair. We can be approached by either partner because people have different reasons for leaving, but in most cases we hear from the person who has been left."

Founded in the US 30 years ago, the organisation came to Ireland in 1986. It works through peer support. Each trained voluntary facilitator has faced the ending of their own marriage through separation or death. There is a telephone listening service and coping support programmes are offered, but the core activity is the Beginning Experience weekend, open to those who have been on their own for at least 12 months.

"We ask people to wait a year before coming on a weekend. Before that, you may still be too shocked and emotional to benefit. We've had people coming 10 years after a separation. They may have had small children at the time, and never had space to really think about themselves," says Byrne.

"We sometimes find that widows and widowers may need to be longer in their grief. Society is much kinder to someone whose marriage ended through a death: they have the funeral, support from families during the initial shock. Then they have to begin to face things."

Those who find themselves alone because of separation or divorce have no such rite of passage. "People can often be treated as if the break-up is their own fault. They are left with the trauma of the other person still walking round, but have to deal with the same pain and loss. I think the biggest loss is the end of the dream, of the life you thought you would have."

A separation is a far bigger issue than is realised by others, he says. "We live in a couples world: you can find your former social life has ended. Nothing stays the same, you are often the odd one out."

Yvonne McGarry, who separated in 1998, is the organisation's public relations officer. "The aim of the weekend is to help people come to terms with themselves, where they are, wherever they are, then help them move on. I can almost promise that they will feel immensely different on Sunday night. It's a big promise. All we ask is to trust what can happen."

Michael (40), had been married nine years when his marriage ended in 2003. "We would have been trying to have a family, it wasn't working out and the pressure created unlooked-for difficulties. It did come as a bolt from the blue when I realised my wife wanted to end the marriage. The break-up was amicable enough but it had its woes and heartaches.

"The first six months are particularly hard. You don't know where you are. You have been in the cocoon of a loving relationship, then suddenly you are left high and dry, and find a great loss within yourself. "I began with the coping programme and found it helpful as I relaxed and saw the value of coming together to talk about what we've been through. When I heard of the weekend I was immediately interested and wrote on the form that I wanted to find myself again, find out who I was, and move on.

"During the weekend I surprised myself I was so at ease. The programme concentrates on working with each person, helping them understand what might have gone on, work things out and make sense of the past.

"It is extremely well structured and I was overwhelmed at what it did for me. I came out on top of the world and while this feeling does not last forever, something positive has been sustained."

McGarry explains how the weekend offers a real opportunity to take time for oneself.

"There is no contact with the outside world, people turn off their mobiles, have their family commitments taken care of so that they can focus on what is happening. For the same reason, we would ask people not to bring a friend. This is something for you, on your own."

The programme consists of team presentations, large group discussion, smaller group dialogue with lots of time for personal reflection. The venue is All Hallows College, Drumcondra, Dublin, offering space and peace in the house and grounds.

"Every exercise, every part has a purpose, and works together as a whole. There is no pressure put on anyone to say or do anything. However, we find the more you give, the more you get out of it. We create a very safe environment so that people feel comfortable about sharing their experiences," says Byrne.

Separated in 1995, he says the peer ministry aspect is crucial. "Our particular strength is that we have been through it ourselves, and while the circumstances of each parting can be different, the grief process is the same. People walk into a room with 50 strangers and find they have a lot in common. The most consoling thing is to be with people and not have to explain. The hope is that after the weekend, you will have arrived at a much better place in your life. In the evaluation, people talk about feeling listened to, acknowledged, sane!

"Thousands have now done the weekend and almost all tell us that they have gone away with a new reason for living: many having found a new strength within themselves. For me it was life-changing, I gained a greater understanding of my situation, so helping me deal and move on, realising there was life after separation."

Married at 22, Victoria realised very quickly she had made a mistake. "We were incompatible, we had a lot of difficulties, but I felt marriage was for life and for many years did my best, holding out the olive branch. My husband was insecure and it showed itself in jealousy, possessiveness and a subtle control. We separated a number of times, but came back together and soldiered on."

Victoria finally left with the two children but remained legally and emotionally married with her life on hold. The couple had shared parenting and she secretly fantasised that things could come right and that the relationship would miraculously transform. They finally divorced last year and at age 50, Victoria felt ready to start again.

"I was very nervous approaching the Beginning Experience weekend, but from the start I felt totally cared for and safe. It allowed me to trust and to express myself more spontaneously than I have ever done before.

"I learnt that I had had it tough and had to manage a lot on my own. The weekend put a mark on the end of my marriage. I am not bitter, but I am grieving.

"I'm finally letting something go and for the first time, I'm facing that. I have to if I am to move on. I'm now involved in the Continued Beginnings programme, which is available to people after the weekend, and find it very helpful. While the weekend marked an end, it was also the beginning of something new, and for me it was a a lovely catalyst for change."

WHERE TO BEGIN AGAIN

Beginning experience

Places are available at the Beginning Experience weekend, February 18th-20th, at All Hallows College, Drumcondra, Dublin at a cost of about €170. There are also weekends in May and November. Beginning Experience is based in Cavan, Cork, Dublin and Galway. Contact 01-6790556

Other support for solos

Aim Family Services, 6 D'Olier Street, Dublin 2. Contact 01-6708363 or www.aimfamilyservices.ie

Gingerbread Ireland, Carmichael House, North Brunswick Street, Dublin 7. Contact: 01-8146618, info@gingerbread.ie and www.gingerbread.ie

Irish Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy, 8 Cumberland Street, Dún Laoghaire, Co Dublin. Contact 01-2300061, iacp@irish-counselling.ie and www.irish-counselling.ie

National Network of Lone Parent Groups (OPEN), Kilbarrack, Dublin 5. Contacts 01-8320264, enquiries@oneparent.ie and www.oneparent.ie

One Family, 2 Lower Pembroke Street, Dublin 2. Contact 01-6629212, Lo Call 1890 662212 and www.onefamily.ie

Treoir, National Federation of Services for Unmarried Parents and Children, 14 Gandon House, Custom House Square, Dublin 1. Contact 01-6700120, info@treoir.ie and www.treoir.ie