Patrick Freyne: Don't fear the zombie apocalypse, it's going to be great craic

The age of the vampires is over, thank God. Detached, day-sleeping, Eurotrash elites who fret over the correct jewel-encrusted goblet from which to sip blood. I much prefer zombies: no-nonsense, blue-collar monsters who you could picture yourself sharing a beer or the carcass of a decomposing deer with.

Not for them an ermine-trimmed robe and a fetching silver cane. They’re content to dribble blood on a rotting rag while engaged in Zombie bants: “Hey Geoff, you’ve got a little gunk there hanging from your eye. Wait! That is your eye! Hilarious.”

Cultural theorists see the zombie horde as an analogue for “the mob”, hence our fear of being subsumed by them. I prefer to think of them as “the lads” wandering unhurriedly back from Croke Park of a Sunday, comfortably silent bar the odd groan, chewing on the gristle of a dead parking attendant.

Yes, zombies represent the real Ireland – the Ireland that eats dinner in the middle of the day and likes a laugh, not the deluded Eurocentric, frappuccino-enhanced fantasy Ireland of the Dublin 4 media.

Thankfully there's a lot of fun to be had with the living dead on television right now (and that's when you don't even include the Vincent Browne panels). The sixth series of The Walking Dead (Monday, Fox) has protagonist Rick (Andrew Lincoln) herding thousands of zombies away from their newly adopted home, the walled town of Alexandria. It's Rick's big capital project – the Zombie Relocation Plan 2020.

If Rick was running for leader, as opposed to having that role thrust upon him due to being a grumpy zombie-killing control freak, his four-point plan would read: “Fear outsiders; ration food; distribute guns; shoot-to-kill policy for rule breakers.” He’s basically Renua.

You can't fight zombie stats
Meanwhile, the useless, fuzzy liberal residents of Alexandria are taken aback by Rick's "publically execute people" policy (the last season ended with him publically executing someone) and are understandingly sceptical of his "reduce zombie-related deaths" pledge given that they've seen a marked increase in zombie- related deaths since Rick arrived.

“You can prove anything with statistics,” Rick’s people would say.

Yet there’s a lot of evidence, despite proclamations to the contrary, that Rick is a terrible leader. Say what you like about the Governor (a major antagonist killed off in season four), but he knew how to run an autocratic, post-apocalyptic, zombie-besieged community while hiding a dreadful secret. Even the cannibals from season five knew how to keep a functioning slaughterhouse going, not to mention the benefits of a protein-rich diet.

Wherever Rick goes, any semblance of order collapses, leaving him sporadically scowling through a film of blood, disgusted at whatever atrocity he’s been “forced” to commit, and disappointed with the bleeding hearts (sometimes literally bleeding from the heart) who question his judgment.

To survive a zombie apocalypse, it would probably be best to do the opposite of what Rick says. The phrase “No thanks, Rick. I’m grand here with the cannibals” could save your life.

Rick’s posse is now made up of several unintentionally camp bad-asses wielding idiosyncratic weapons: Michonne with her samurai sword, Daryl with his crossbow, Morgan with his big stick. Together they’re the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles of the zombie apocalypse.

The best episodes (and there have been some excellent one-offs) focus on isolated characters coping with loss. But whenever the plots get ambitious, the show gets lost in implausible group dynamics and arguments driven by ridiculous straw-men whose role is to question Rick’s insane ideas before being eaten by a zombie (“I should have listened to Riiiiiick!” they might as well scream. “Though actually, when you think about it, this is all Rick’s faaaaaaault!” they might as well add).

This week’s instalment focuses on Carol and Morgan as they fend off a surprise attack on sleepy Alexandria by machete-wielding marauders, while Rick and the rest of the Ninja Turtles are out on the range herding zombies. Brilliant. Another terrible decision, Rick.

Several unnamed townsfolk are violently dispensed with (“We should have listened to Riiiick!”) as Carol and Morgan retaliate while debating the morality of murder (Carol is all for it; Morgan is unsure). Meanwhile Rick’s heavily armed son and tough, no-nonsense baby shelter Enid, a mysterious teenager who is clearly an enemy spy. She stops just short of saying “I am an enemy spy.” Carl doesn’t notice. To be fair, he’s missed a lot of school.

Z for more zombies
After the angst of The Walking Dead (they really know how to drain the fun out of a zombie apocalypse) Z Nation (Tuesday, Pick) is a good old-fashioned comic-book romp. It also features a ragtag band of survivors, but they dispatch their zombies with witty quips while escorting the only known survivor of a zombie bite, the hilariously self-interested Murphy, to a lab in California. It is – I can't believe I'm saying this – more consistently entertaining than The Walking Dead.

Without a big budget, Z-Nation relies on funny dialogue, quirky sci-fi ideas and over the top baddies: fast zombies, radioactive zombies, zombies on meth, human/ zombie hybrids, George RR Martin (the Game of Thrones creator cameos). The last series ended with our heroes accidentally triggering a nuclear holocaust to add to their list of problems. Now Murphy has ripped his skin off, controls zombies with his mind and evades bountyhunters while looking dapper in a porkpie hat.

He has, furthermore, fathered a zombie foetus, also a subplot in our third living-dead-themed drama, The Returned (Friday, More 4). Although its resurrected characters have a hankering for raw meat and are difficult to comprehend (spoiler alert: they're French), they're more like corporeal ghosts than zombies and the writers favour creeping dread over schlock horror. Indeed, if you were out of the room at key moments you might think this was a programme called Attractive French People Look Out the Window While Smoking (a show that I would watch). But it's genuinely beautiful, eerie and mysterious. Ah, it's nice to see the zombie genre is alive and well.