Tips from the top of the tree

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

It is my husband's job to buy the Christmas tree every year but they see him coming a mile off and he always gets fobbed off with a miserable, spindly one with no branches in the middle. If I tell him this, he gets into a rage and often ends up stamping on the Christmas tree lights for good measure.

Usually we are not on speaking terms over the holiday, but I do think a good tree is important, don't you?

A Yes, I do, so why don't you get off your big bottom and go and choose the tree yourself? Then if it is wonky you only have yourself to blame.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

Three months ago a friend asked me to dinner on New Year's Eve and what could I say but "yes", only now I have been asked to a party in the penthouse of the Clarence on the same night. She lives miles out in the dreary suburbs and I desperately want to go to the penthouse party because I know for a fact that Leonardo Di Caprio will be there and we are the same star sign. What should I do?

A Set up a video link between the two and enjoy both, why don't you? But darling, your chances of meeting Leonardo Di Caprio in the modern sense of the word are pathetically slim so really you would be better off going to your friend's party in the 'burbs.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

My husband thinks I like interesting jewellery because once I bought a necklace made from recycled toothbrushes, and now every Christmas he buys me interesting jewellery. I am sick and tired of plastic this and bog oak that. How can I let him know that I now prefer expensive jewellery?

A Tell him today, while there's still time to swap those twisty-dinner- fork earrings for a flawless diamond. No, seriously, you have to put a stop to it because there is something a teeny bit sad about a middle-aged woman wearing mad, dangly bits all the time.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

I've heard of this toy called a Tellytubby which sounds just right for my granddaughter. Where can I get it?

A Well, if you feel like combining last-minute Christmas shopping with a short holiday, then hop on the ferry and head for France where some were spotted in a small newsagent's outside Toulouse. And stocks are quite good in Helsinki. Let us know how you got on!

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

A friend has given me a lovely crystal bowl as a present but on the front it has "First Prize" engraved on it and her name. Should I draw this to her attention?

A What a mean old thing your friend is. I suggest you give her a very small and dry smoked salmon with a card addressed to you slipped into the cardboard box. That'll learn her.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

Having heard that it is a smart thing to do, we decided this year not to send cards but to give a donation to our favourite charity. Now we have received hundreds of cards and are feeling guilty. Should we put a notice in the paper explaining to all our friends?

A You silly style-victims. You deserve to be snubbed by all your so-called friends. There are plenty of charity cards that you could have invested in and felt good about. As it is, you should rush out and buy New Year cards and be done with it.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

My Christmas day is always ruined by my drunk next-door neighbour. She calls in every single year and drinks her way through a bucket of mulled wine, then tears strips off her husband, who says nothing but eats his way through the children's selection boxes. The sprouts are usually mush by the time we get them out the door and the children aren't speaking to me for inviting them in. Also last year this woman peed on our front path. I can't face all that again this year.

A Why, oh why didn't you write to me sooner? I could have given you all kinds of tips to put these monsters off, but it's too late for this year. They'll be there tomorrow, same as every other year, and there's no use pretending you have Spanish 'flu or dropsy. Why not take a tip from AA and video them when she is frothing at the mouth and he is stuck into a giant Twix? Then send them the film. It might work.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

I have to buy presents for a lot of bratty nieces and nephews but they want such expensive things - sports clothes and computer games and fancy watches. What happened to post office saving stamps and tins of sweets? Is the magic of Christmas totally gone or what?

A There is no point expecting their big, petulant faces to light up when they unwrap a tin of Coleen toffees from you. Instead why not buy things that you want yourself, watch them get chucked to one side with sneers all round, then collect them all quietly later. Care you if they think you are cheap?

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

Is there any possibility of having a happy Christmas on the Nutron diet.

A No.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

I have been married for 10 years but I still have to call my wife's parents Mr and Mrs, which really bugs me. I am a 37-year-old accountant and they don't mind asking me for free tax advice but I'm not allowed to call them Joe and Nora. I want to bring the matter to a head this Christmas. How will I go about it? A You'll have to go cold turkey on this. Stop Mr and Mrs-ing them immediately: pretend you are a PR per- son and start using their names about five times in every sentence. They will be a bit dazed at first but when you go back to normal, only throwing in the odd Joe or Nora, they will be pathetically grateful for small mercies.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

It's always the same in our house. I slave away for hours over the dinner then it gets eaten in seven minutes flat and everyone slumps in front of the TV arguing over who watches what when. How can I break this routine. Could you suggest some good party games?

A Don't be such a martyr. You're not the only one who can make Christmas dinner. Ask them to help. Then hire some extra tellies for the week and plug them into different rooms. That way everyone is happy.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

My fiance has hinted that he is giving me a week in a health farm for Christmas. Surely he should love me as I am, even if my ankles are a bit thick. I was going to give him something smart from Ralph Lauren but now I'm having second thoughts.

A Quite right. Next thing he will be telling you that he won't marry you unless your wedding dress is a size 8. You should give him an equally suggestive gift - how about a year's supply of Odor Eaters, or a family-size tube of cream for his athlete's foot? Or something to relieve those boils on his neck?

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

I am pregnant again this Christmas and have absolutely nothing to wear to parties. But since the baby is due in January I don't want to buy something new. It wouldn't come in handy because I am never having another baby. Seven is enough. I only have one black tent thing and it is too tight. Help!

A There is very little you can do to make yourself attractive in the final stage of pregnancy. Let out the seams on the black sack and cover the whole thing up with an enormous, itchy, velvet scarf. Dowdy but cheap. And you can burn the lot next month.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

My mother-in-law insists on giving me shiny nightdresses every single Christmas. I now have a drawer-full of them but even though I have told her that I am allergic to polyester, she never seems to remember. Is she doing it on purpose do you think?

A She sounds completely barmy. How about putting her into a home for the bewildered?

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

My son the merchant banker is coming home from London this Christmas with his new girlfriend. I am worried that she will want to share his bedroom, which only has one bed. Alley-cat morals is what I call it. My husband isn't a well man and he won't like it if they share and am I expected to go out and buy a double bed for them?

A What age is he? 28? 38? Far too old for you to be worrying about his Tom Cat ways. Anyway if he is such a good merchant banker then why isn't he flying his family out to Barbados for Christmas on his big fat bonus?

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

I know that Christmas is supposed to be for the children but my grandchildren are horrible home-wreckers and we have just had the house redecorated. I would like to ask the whole family for Christmas but how can I make sure that my kids don't bring their kids?

A Hmm . . . you could suggest a nostalgic evening, where the parents sit around drinking inside and someone goes out every so often with minerals and crisps to the kids in the cars. But maybe there is a law against that now. Alternatively, wait until their mothers' backs are turned and tell them that if they so much as knock over one crib ornament you will thrash them within a inch of their lives.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

I am having a party on Christmas Eve but the one thing I can't abide is smoking. It is alright to ask the guests to smoke in the garden, even though it is a little nippy?

A Some party. If you insist on shunting smokers into the yard then the least you can do is provide smart out- door braziers, hot roasted chestnuts, warm alcoholic beverages and fairy lights strung all over the garden. Then nobody will want to be inside with boring old you.

Q Dear Christmas Fairy,

Please can someone tell me are poinsettias in or out? I have been given a beautiful one and I love the colour but of course if they are naff I won't use it. Also, are fairy lights white or coloured this year?

A Don't be so silly and pretentious. If you like poinsettias go ahead and buy them. Fill your house with them. Enjoy them. As for the tree lights, white and coloureds are completely out. Candles are the thing, and don't forget to keep a small fire-extinguisher handy.