Timewasters need not apply

Thirty-something single women don't want to settle for the sake of it, and their male counterparts need to get pro-active, writes Róisín Ingle

A group of single women sit talking in a Dublin bar over a few glasses of wine. One of them recounts a conversation she had recently with a successful, attractive man in his mid-30s. "Kevin would love to go out with a woman his own age," she says. "But he steers clear of them because he says he can hear their biological clocks ticking a mile off. He goes out with younger women even though he admits he doesn't have much in common with them."

Repeat this anecdote to author Marisa Mackle, who writes novels about the search for Mr Right, and she dismisses Kevin's assumption as immature nonsense. "God," says the 33-year-old, exasperation creeping into her voice. "It's normal for men in their 30s to think about having a family too. In my experience men are just as capable as women of exuding desperation when you get to our age."

Mackle concedes that the dating landscape for those in the 30-plus age bracket is a very different place from the one they inhabited in their 20s.

"I find guys have become a lot more materialistic," she says. Being chatted up, she continues, has become a gruelling interview where the questions centre around the solvency of the woman. "You get asked: Where do you live? Do you drive? Do you have your own home? Where did you go to school?" she says. "The minute I get asked about the school I went to - I mean I left school when I was 16 - I won't continue the conversation. Men these days have the attitude that they don't want to take on any passengers. There's a practical reason I suppose, because if you want a mortgage it takes two people, but I don't feel I should have to prove my material worth on a first date."

But that's not good enough for Mackle and many of her single friends. "I'm still looking for the romantic ideal, to be swept off my feet, the happy ending. I don't want to just settle," she says. "I've seen people who were so desperate to get married in their 20s they made a terrible mistake. There is a pressure to be partnered off before you get into your 30s but women shouldn't succumb to that pressure."

Her latest soon-to-be-released novel Manhunt centres around a thirty-something woman's search for a date to accompany her to a wedding, but she says that at this stage of her life she won't just date for the sake of having somebody on her arm. "It is terrible the way you can become dismissive," she says. "I don't encourage timewasters. I'm not trotting around town with someone for six months for a laugh. Timewasters are guys who aren't serious, they just text on a Friday night at 10pm saying "are you around?" because they are out on the piss anyway and have had five pints. Irish men can be unbelievably rude, but I haven't given up hope."

As Anne, a thirty-something writer from Co Kerry puts it, leaving your 20s behind you means "the lush paradise of casual and frequent couplings suddenly transforms into a more arid desert of Darwinian destiny". While the supply of men seemed "limitless" 10 years ago, by her early 30s the situation had changed. Like Mackle, she also noticed that as they approached their 30th birthday, some of her friends rushed down the aisle with unsuitable men. "They were motivated by panic and desperation and often the relationships didn't work out," she says.

Having tried everything from internet dating to blind dates, she has concluded that men her own age are more interested in finding younger women. "This frankly doesn't bother me," she says. "I am now interested in older, wiser men. The rising divorce rate is opening up a new market of available men who are often very interested in the financially viable, more worldly-wise thirty-something."

From the male perspective, the dating world of the thirty-something can be daunting. Comedian Karl Spain says his unconventional work schedule and lack of skills when it came to chatting up women both conspired to him taking part in the popular television series Karl Spain Wants a Woman. The quirky dating show had women lining to up see if they might hit it off with him.

"I always had the romantic notion that I wouldn't have to go looking," he says, adding that he thinks a lot of men feel that way. "I hated doing the whole chatting-up thing because I am terrible at it. I think women are a lot more practical than men. At speed-dating events I attended, it seemed to me the men were shy, almost sidling into the place checking left and right to see if anyone they knew was there. The women walked in like the opening credits for Sex and the City or Desperate Housewives. Men just don't have that confidence."

Spain says being a thirty-something single man can have its own challenges, ones that women don't necessarily appreciate. "It's like looking for a job. You are not going to get one sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring. Women understand this, whereas men sometimes think a woman will come knocking on your door, saying 'put down that PlayStation, you're coming with me'," he laughs. The more pro-active approach worked for Spain who met his girlfriend of nine months, Rachel, through the TV show. "I'm very happy," he says.

Mackle agrees that women are practical about being single. "I actually think men in their 30s are more desperate than women in their 30s," she says. "The men I know who have the great job, the car and the house are now looking for a woman, any woman, to complete the picture. The single women I know would all be happy if a man came along but they won't just go for anyone because they are all really happy with their lives. They have so much going on in their lives. If they get lonely, they can get craic and support from their female friends. Perhaps men don't have that."

For those women who do feel a sense of urgency about being unattached in their 30s, Anne suggests throwing away relationship self-help books such as The Rules to avoid becoming the "simpering female, smiling and pliable," encouraged by such books. She says Maureen Dowd's Are Men Necessary? should be the read of choice for intelligent thirty-something single woman.

"A lifetime of emotional suppression is a high price to pay just to get married," she says. "Love yourself. Love your life. Keep an eye out for prospective partners but never make it your raison d'être. It's a nightmare out there really but who knows if it's any better on the other side when you finally exchange crème de la mer for the nappy rash cream."

•Some names have been changed

Tomorrow: dating in your 40s and beyond