The ideal Valentine's gift? An extra husband

Give Me a Break:I rang a media colleague the other morning at the civilised hour of 8.30am. When you've been up since 6.30am to get the kids ready for school, isn't 8.30am reasonable?   

Her partner answered her mobile: "She's in bed. I'd take a message, but I'm just about to bring her breakfast." "In bed?!" I hope I didn't shriek or anything. "Yeah," he answered, like it was no big deal.

And it wasn't even St Valentine's Day, just an ordinary Friday morning. There was so much I could have inquired about if I'd been willing to let her breakfast grow cold, such as "how did she train you to do that?" or "whatever you did must have been pretty awful to deserve breakfast duties", but I wouldn't do that to another woman.

I held my comments. I didn't want my envy to show. Whatever this couple are doing to have that quality of life, I want some.

So for this St Valentine's Day, I don't want roses, chocolates or dinner out because the rip-off factor is too grossening (I know grossening isn't a real word, but 16-year-olds are using it, so I reckon it's a word of the future). What I want is a second spouse.

I'm inspired to think this way after watching Polygamous Wives on Sky (please don't think less of me, everybody needs brainless downtime). There were various permutations of the polygamy option - one husband, two wives was average. One husband, six wives was the extreme, but that was really stressful with all the wife-training the husband had to do and the arguments breaking out between the wives.

Polygamous husbands is a far better way to go. They wouldn't bitch as much. I haven't consulted my husband about this yet, but I think I can convince him of the advantages of having another husband in the house. Husband number two could bring me breakfast in bed, do the laundry, clean the kitchen and the bathrooms and generally tidy up. And because he would be married to me, his services would be completely free!

If he wanted to have a little job on the side (in the mornings, when the kids are in school), I would not stand in his way. He could use that money for the little things - clothes, shoes, his mobile phone bill, a car.

He'd be younger than my first husband, obviously. But what I learned from watching Polygamous Wives is that the first wife gets to choose the second and subsequent wives, which means that my first husband would get to choose husband number two - maybe even a guy that supports the same football club.

And husband number two would be so eternally grateful that he'd be under the first husband's thumb. I know that number two would expect to share my bed occasionally, but that's a small price to pay for having a husband to do all the drudgery that I and my first husband are too busy to manage. And the upside would be that my own relationship with my husband would improve. There would be no more silent resentment over who does which chores when, the silent resentment coming from my end, mostly.

I was listening to Lisa O'Hara from Accord on the radio last week, and she was saying that housework, and equal participation of both partners in it, is the top stress point in a marriage.

If a couple can sort out a fair division of duties and stick to it, then they've got a happy marriage in the bag. How much easier this would be with an extra spouse in the house.

I can hardly expect my adorable husband to agree to this, so I may have to compromise by getting him a second wife instead of getting myself a second husband.

But then, I've always needed a wife. It would be so reassuring to come home every day to a clean house, children whose homework is done and a hot meal on the table. I can only imagine what that must be like, but I think it must be pretty good.

I'm so enthralled with the idea of having a wife at home that I would gladly share my husband with a wife number two.

We could build her a little extension to live in and my husband could visit her when I'm out and about travelling and working, which I'd be able to do much more because I'd have a wife at home.

It would take some getting used to for the children, but I think they'd be so grateful for a well-organised house, hot, wholesome food and clean clothes, that they'd be more than happy to accept a second mother figure. And, I swear, I'd be too pampered to feel jealous.

So no roses and chocolates for me on Thursday: just give me an extra spouse.