One of the best-known characters of the Paris fashion world is a very tall, slender black man called Jay Alexander, who teaches models how to walk while they are wearing high heels.
His services could probably be used at Galway Races today: where large numbers of women are gathered together, it is a certainty that many of them will have extreme difficulty in moving with ease, comfort and above all grace, while wearing anything other than the flattest of shoes.
This afternoon Brown Thomas Galway - formerly known as Moon's - is sponsoring a "Best-Dressed Person" competition at the races. Many entrants will have put an extra effort into their appearance, and that invariably means, my experience as a judge at such events has taught me, that they will be wearing shoes with a higher heel than normal.
"Person" is a perfectly acceptable term, chosen by the organisers to avoid all accusations of sexism. However, tellingly, today at Galway is designated "Ladies' Day" (as opposed, presumably, to "Persons' Day") and, furthermore, extensive experience on such occasions has taught this writer that the best-dressed person in question will be a woman.
Among the criteria by which prizes will be awarded are "creative dressing" and "innovative style", neither of which is a renowned characteristic of the Irish male. At the average race meeting a well-dressed man is anyone still wearing his jacket and not carrying a pint of beer (along with evidence of several other pints down the front of his shirt).
By the late afternoon the same rules could also be applied to quite a few women. Being well-dressed is one thing, staying that way quite another. Rather like the horses tearing around the track, many female entrants of these competitions start well but fail to complete the course.
They grow tired of teetering about the stands in painfully tight footwear, the hat perched on their heads for the past four hours is pinching around the temples, a ladder has appeared in their tights and, as they slump against a stand and light a cigarette, they decide to skip being nominated the day's best-dressed person.
Poor darlings, they little realised that looking well required so much effort. But the bitter truth is that it does - and not just for special occasions. This is a difficult lesson to learn.
A sudden fit of dressing up will produce results reminiscent of those seen in the 1957 British weepie Woman in a Dressing Gown, in which the eponymous heroine makes a desperate, but ultimately hopeless, effort to overhaul her appearance. To paraphrase all those advertisements about pets which appear every Christmas, dressing well is for life, not just for race meetings.
So what is the best approach for aspiring best-dressed persons to take? Begin by making an effort to appear as though no effort was made but - although this may seem contradictory - be absolutely flawless. Let nothing - not a scuffed heel, not a chipped nail, not a split end - mar your perfection. And avoid wearing anything which might lead to discomfort, either physical or psychological - and that applies both to yourself and the judges.
Leave in the wardrobe any outfit you bought for your daughter's/sister's/best friend's/ex-husband's wedding. Equally, never wear anything for the first time. Look fabulous but indifferent to the fact. Look like the proverbial million dollars without having spent anything like that amount. Look as though this is how you look all the time. And may the best (dressed) "person" win.
PS: How to walk in high heels? Always lead with the toe rather than the heel, place one foot directly in front of the other and allow your hips to do most of the work.
Robert O'Byrne will be a judge for today's competition. You have been warned.
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