Talk a good game with TV soccer speak

Suppose, over the next four weeks, you get trapped in a room with half-a-dozen people who are glued to a live relay featuring, say, Colombia against Tunisia. Stay calm. You don't have to watch very much soccer in order to convince an entire roomful of devotees that you've seen more World Cup action than Pele. You just need to speak soccer. So here are a few well-chosen phrases which, aimed at the TV screen with just the right mixture of nonchalance and "been-there-seen-that" weariness, will enable you to play a blinder.

Yup, the wall did its job . . . To be chanted, mantra-style, after every free-kick anywhere near the penalty area, and especially when you can quite clearly see tears of agony spring to the eyes of a full-back who has just received 15 ounces of Adidas tricolore smack in the middle of his - well, smack in his middle.

Oh, God, not three at the back! Sporting three defenders instead of four is the football equivalent of wearing white ankle socks; at best worrying, at worst disastrous. It is, of course, marginally better than being flat at the back or caught square at the back. . .

Haven't found their shape, really, have they? Now this can be applied to practically any team at any time since nobody, not even the most fanatical follower of total football, knows whether finding your shape is a good or a bad thing. Except if you're shaped like Paul Gascoigne. obviously.

Oh, my, that fullback has the winger in his pocket . . . This, regrettably, sounds like a lot more fun than it actually is; but if the defender is coming out on top, at least it means he isn't defending too deep. The attacking team, on the other hand, could almost undoubtedly do with more width.

I don't fancy that goalkeeper . . . Perfect to fill in the awkward silence while a striker fiddles with his ball prior to taking a corner.

He's operating in the hole . . . A guaranteed jaw-dropper for those occasions when your favourite midfield genius is accused of strolling about in a somewhat aimless fashion.

That wouldn't even be a BOOKING in the Premiership! Whip this one out with the alacrity of a magician producing a rabbit from a hat as some huge hairy defender is sent off for slicing through an opponent's legs with an audible crunch: a sound which is, alas, part and parcel of the game.