Rites of passage for the tweenie generation

Eight- to 12-year-olds have emerged as a group with their own desires and needs - just like teenagers but different, writes Sylvia Thompson.

A new generation has emerged before our eyes. Called "tweenies" (short for in- betweenies) - they are the eight- to 12-year-olds who fall between childhood and adolescence and, like it or not, they come with their own set of behaviour, desires and needs. Although the term was blatantly created by the marketing industry to define a new target group to sell things to, many of these children have scarily begun to exhibit characteristics the marketing gurus wished upon them. But, careful handling can help this newly identified generation grow into happier, healthier teenagers.

Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, UK-based parenting expert and author of Talking to Tweenies: Getting It Right Before It Gets Rocky With Your Eight- To 12-Year-Old, believes that communicating effectively with children in this age group will lead to an easier route through the teenage years. "The central message is that time invested in getting it right during this crucial in-between period will bestow long-term benefits - for us as parents, for our tweenie and for the relationship. It will not be five years of hard slog or guilt: on the contrary, tweenies' developing sense of humour, their newly acquired, fresh-faced wisdom, their excitement and enthusiasm and their growing confidence in their stronger bodies and more capable minds make tweenies a delight to watch and be with," writes Hartley- Brewer.

She explains how when she told a teacher-friend that she was writing another book for parents, this time on raising 8-12-year-olds, he said, "Whatever you have put on paper about teenagers, you can re-use because it all happens two years earlier now." Hartley-Brewer, however, believes it's a bit more complex than that. "Tweenies suffer from eating disorders, are exposed to intense peer pressure, want to go places on their own, keep up with fashion and watch videos certified for older children, just as teenagers do," she says. But - and it's a big but - in spite of their growing confidence and independence, they have huge need for emotional support from their parents and their family homes are still the most important sphere of influence and place of respite. "These children still need their families as a foundation for their sense of security and confidence, but they depend increasingly on friends and their own wits to help them cope with unfamiliar situations," she writes.

As a parent, step-parent, writer on parenting issues for 10 years and social and educational policy adviser to the British prime minister, Tony Blair, Hartley-Brewer believes that parents nowadays are looking for more and more specific advice on parenting eight- to 12-year-olds. "Whether the issue is holding the line against the fashion alternatives to sensible clothes and shoes; whether to let 10-year-olds play out, walk to school alone or go to the park with friends; whether we should allow our child to host the ultimate, film première-style party to go one better than the last birthday boy or girl, to have every fad going regardless of cost or whether the issue is simply when to renegotiate the rules around eating or bedtimes, many parents are asking for guidance through these pre-teen years," she says.

In a nutshell, her advice sounds very similar to that given to those raising teenagers a decade ago - stay close while beginning to let go - yet, perhaps it's the "beginning to let go" part which parents struggle most with.

She continues, "If we let them have too much of what they want too soon we may have little authority left to monitor, supervise and guide during adolescent exploration and risk-taking. But keeping everything tightly controlled in the tweenies period is not the answer either: following that course can result in a frustrated, pent-up teenager who rockets off with her new-found freedom and orbits dangerously out of range." Confused? Well, Hartley-Brewer fills her book with plenty of "take-out tips" for parents struggling with freedom/control balance. Creating a loving base and nurturing a strong sense of belonging and identity are keys to getting this balance right.

"The most powerful way to protect and strengthen any child is to concentrate on helping her to feel secure, significant and with a strong sense of belonging. When a child feels secure in her relationships . . . she will be happier, more creative, have more friends, be more likely to do justice to her potential, develop a more sensible attitude to taking risks and be more resistant to pressure."

Hartley-Brewer also points out important gender differences between boys and girls of this age. "Until the age of seven or eight boys generally enjoy being emotionally close to their mother as well as their father . . . At eight, boys around the world have been noticed to switch their focus to their father or another male role model, presumably to help them develop further the male aspect of themselves," she writes.

Like many other writers on raising children in these affluent times, Hartley-Brewer is keen to point out that "presents are no substitute for our presence". Quoting a study on family time in which researchers at Cardiff University questioned 500 11- and 12-year-olds, she says that what home and family was valued for most was "rest and relaxation - having unpressured time in which they controlled what they did". The children surveyed said that at school, they felt dictated to and time with friends was busy whereas home was the place for repose.

At around eight, a child's need for private space within the home also becomes more significant and typically bedrooms become tweenies' preferred private territory. "Eight to 10-year-olds will increasingly want space that's theirs: somewhere to take their friends, to store their personal possessions without the risk of younger siblings messing them up and on which to stamp their personal taste and identity.

"Around 10 to 12, it is common for children to feel they don't want to share everything with parents; they will experience swings of emotion and unexpected feelings - towards friends, family, themselves, their life, their future - that make them feel uncertain and vulnerable," says Hartley-Brewer. She suggests giving them time on their own: time to sleep and time to do nothing will help them integrate these feelings in their sense of themselves. Such time alone should of course be balanced with time with the family to nurture that all-important sense of belonging.

Finally, a few words on pester power, the term that is often most closely associated with tweenies. Hartley-Brewer suggests ways of dealing with such pleas as, "I'm the only one in my class who hasn't got . . .", or, "Give me one good reason why I can't have this", or, "I really, really need it." Include teaching tweenies to be aware and sceptical of advertising and most importantly to strengthen your child's identity and self-esteem so he or she feels less need to use possessions to impress and is less susceptible to false promises and pretension.

I'm sure there are more than a few adults who need to brush up their skills in that area too.

Talking to Tweenies: Getting It Right Before It Gets Rocky With Your Eight- to 12-Year-Old, by Elizabeth Hartley- Brewer, is published by Hodder Mobius, £7.99